The Texas state government has been on an anti-Comet crusade since last June, with legislation specifically targeting the state’s access to scandalous content. Take one step into ECS South, a wasteland rife with the remains of Comet residue, and you will understand why this is such a clear affront to our student body. In a time of such crises, it is critical that our Student Government steps forward and provides students with new avenues through which they can access salacious content in an appropriate manner. 

Recognizing

Puritanical Paxton has taken drastic steps by suing major porn providers for millions of dollars, forcing many to cease all operations in the state out of protest and/or fear. The most prominent platform affected is the eponymous Pornhub — progenitor of all porn. While the stated intent of the laws underlying Paxton’s lawsuits is to prevent adolescents from accessing content the state deems inappropriate, the lawsuits and legislation fundamentally misunderstand how the internet functions. Any persistent internet user could appear as if they weren’t in Texas through the use of virtual private networks, and if your law can be circumvented by downloading Nord VPN after hearing an advertisement for it for the 100th time, then is it even an effective law at all?

The issue Comets face is that the education system prior to college has failed them when it comes to sexual education. Texas’ approach to sexual education serves as an active obstacle and detriment to the sexual health of the residents of the state, as well as anyone unfortunate enough to interact with those who only learned about copulation through the educational grapevine. Policies requiring parents to opt-in to sexual education and not including topics such as consent or LGBTQ+ identities within the curriculum, among other factors, leads to an uneducated and somewhat feral population who upon entering university are confused, scared, and perhaps even slightly aroused. Keeping people in the dark is a major disservice when sexual complications can so easily be avoided and overcome through open dialogue and communication, something the state currently works to stigmatize. 

Whereas

The mass exodus of companies like Aylo (parent company of Pornhub and other adult websites) from the state has left Comets in a barren wasteland devoid of explicit content, with nothing other than their beloved mascot left to satiate them. It is imperative that immediate action be taken so as to prevent the dangerous buildup of hormonal energy within the student body. Comets already struggle to touch grass because of how naturally they fly through space, and this ban will only lead them towards more esoteric and reclusive ends if nothing is done. It would be negligent for the voice of the students, Student Government, to remain silent on this major issue. 

Many people are saying that UTD is the MIT of the South because of its extensive computer science (and adjacent) programs. With so many novice and expert coders alike, a new website could be brought forth from the ether to provide Comets with the sweet release Governor Abbott and his lackey Paxton have so cruelly denied them. A website by Comets, for Comets. 

Be It Resolved

The immediate creation of the CometLustPortal™ must begin as a collective effort of the over 5,000 CS students on the UTD campus to create an informative and creative medium that best suits the needs of Comets during this trying time. To support the first version of the CometLustPortal™ and its development, Student Government ought to organize a $400 fee referendum which would go directly towards the compensation, maintenance, and operation of the new website and its drafted employees. Obviously a student-majority committee would need to be created to oversee the operations of this new Comet forum, with a number of members no more or less than 69 in total. This CometLust Oversight Committee — hereafter referred to as the COC — would be tasked with curating the content of the platform and ensuring its compliance with the needs of students. 

The students of UTD already sexualize the school mascot, Temoc, to an impressive extent, and a core part of the nouveau student-run erotica site ought to be Temoc himself. Temoc and his special friend Tobor could engage in all sorts of interesting acts, such as ‘delivering food’ to each other on a dark rainy night, covered only by the paltry protection of a fading overhead lamp. They could also star in short but informative videos about the human body, intercourse, information on the wide spectrum of identities relevant to sexual education, and tier lists of all the STDs Temoc has from best to worst.

In compliance with state law, the CometLustPortal™v1.0 could require that all users either access it through school computers or UTD’s already existing single sign-on system, which is associated with each student’s netID. This would allow President Benson to personally prevent any Comets under the age of 18 from accessing the website while also providing further use to the single sign-on portal. Use of the netID system would reduce the development period of CometLustPortal™v1.0 by building off of pre-established web infrastructure. 

Of course, content placed on CometLustPortal™v1.0 would have to be in compliance with the Comet Creed, and determinations of this would fall upon the COC and any other subordinate review boards it elects to create with its budget of roughly $12 million per semester. Past events such as the incredibly popular UTD Sex Bowl could also fall under the jurisdiction of the COC, which could use its funding to create the Sexiest Bowl that the great state of Texas has ever seen. Other projects and initiatives based on the CometLustPortal™ would have to go through the COC, but by allowing a level of discretionary spending, this new fund would allow students, faculty, and researchers to pursue all sorts of new projects which could potentially better the quality of sex education within the state as a whole. An old Texan adage says, “Different stroke for different folks,” and yet under Greg Abbott’s regime it will soon be impossible for Comets to do the tried-and-true Texan pastime of strokin’. This is the impetus for urgent action by the Student Government, and we trust that, in due time, all honorable Comets will band together in their crusade against touching grass by creating the inaugural sultry posts for the CometLustPortal™v1.0.