Aries: You win!!!1!1!

Taurus: The stars don’t think you deserve anything good this month, but they’re down for a deal. Make them an offer they can’t resist.

Gemini: You will be cast into endless sleep. I hate you, because I want to be you.

Cancer: You’re going to be overwhelmed this month. Now, I told one of you I’d give you a good fortune this month, so I’m gonna hope you’re overwhelmed by sunshine and puppies and rainbows and not by the inexorable wheel of capitalist entropy.

Leo: The stars are sorry they called you a loser last month, but I’m not. Just be glad one of us gives a shit.

Virgo: You know that one movie where everyone’s like, “Hey, this dog is great! This dog understands the concept of a well AND its inherent dangers to the children of our rural farming community! I love this guy!” and then the dog fucking dies, leaving you, me, and the rest of the audience feeling like we got hit by a sack of wet bricks in a Taco Cabana? That’s how you’ll feel all month.

Libra: All I’m getting is “insatiable bloodlust.” I’m looking through my cauldron of mystic farsight soup for literally anything else, and there’s like. Nothing. So good luck with that, I suppose.

Scorpio: Be the megalomaniac you wanna see in the world.

Sagittarius: If you don’t get laid this month, the constellation of Sagittarius wants you to know they’re personally disappointed in you specifically. If you’re ace, you’re fine, but you’re on thin ice.

Capricorn: You will be incredibly depressed this month. So, the usual.

Aquarius: Either your situationship will become a relationship, or your relationship will become a situationship. I can’t really tell which is worse, but keep me posted.

Pisces: Have you made any good life choices, ever? Survey says: not likely.