UTD is famous for many things — our problematic alumni, our undefeated football team, our obsessive psychosexual attachment to Temoc and his oily abs — and now we have another achievement to add to the list. 

For the first time, the U.S. News and World Report has ranked UTD as No. 1 for Most Villainous Student Body, thanks to the eccentric and outrageous criminals we’ve been collecting like “Genshin” characters. From students writing autobiographies that romanticize stabbing their dates to Comets kidnapping couples right after biology class, the MIT of the South has had so many odd crimes this past year alone that Comets ought to be proud. Read on to learn all the gritty details about the university’s most iconic criminals who have brought diversity, danger, and excitement to campus crime culture. UT Austin wishes they were us.

What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas: Nika Nikoubin

Starting off salaciously hot, we have UTD’s most infamous failed-musician-turned-felon, Nika Nikoubin: a 23-year-old former Comet known for her poorly autotuned and plagiarized hit single, threats to sue the campus newspaper, and stabbing a guy in the neck during sex in a Las Vegas hotel. Nikoubin was charged with attempted murder and false imprisonment in 2022 but ended up with a mere probation sentence, after which she published a typo-ridden erotic BDSM reimagining of her crime — oops, I mean, an autobiography to raise mental health awareness. In her… “book,” she describes hallucinating herself as Salma Hayek trying to seduce George Clooney before “running out of the room naked with a buttplug inside [her],” among other vile and obscene descriptions of the crime. That’s without mentioning her excessive victim-blaming and the general clout-chasing vibe of speedrunning an autobiography and giving multiple tabloid-y interviews to skyrocket herself to fame. 

Her positive reviews? Purchased. Her PR managers? Fired every two weeks — we would know! Her cease and desist letter to The Mercury? Written by her UTD professor father. She is truly a Renaissance woman.

I’ll Treat This Cat Like Marie Antoinette: Shubhankar Kawle

Satan thinks this pathetic individual is too shitty for even Hell. Kawle, a 28-year-old grad student and former Testing Center employee, was sentenced to six years of prison for extensively torturing his then-girlfriend’s pet cats, to the point where one needed a leg amputated and the other needed euthanasia. His crime shocked and disgusted the UTD community, bringing the Seven Kingdoms — Zionists, SJP members, TPUSA incels, gay people, ECS “students,” financial fraudsters, and Dune 2 enjoyers — together in unified outrage. His Machiavellian rizz must have gone crazy, because while awaiting trial he got married to a woman who ALSO has a cat (whom she says he “treats like a queen,” so clearly he’s innocent). Kawle was arrested while in class, which must’ve been a relief for him since during his trial he claimed he “forgot” committing the crime due to the stress of graduate school. If he was struggling that bad in school, he must love prison!

Let’s be real, though, are we surprised it was a Testing Center employee that did this? 

Senior Citizen Enrichment Club: Akash Tyagi and Jeffrey Fernando

Next up we have Dumb and Dumber: Tyagi and Fernando are your typical biology student and alum pair, on par with the eternal fame of Phineas and Ferb. The duo and their UTD-unaffiliated ring leader were caught for failing to kidnap and rob an elderly couple from Midlothian, Texas, which is the biggest struggle of the century. How hard can it be? Their kidnapping attempt was such a colossal failure that the husband broke out of his restraints, grabbed a knife from the Airbnb-turned-kidnapping-house’s kitchen, and stabbed the ring leader before escaping with his wife.

The duo goes down in history as the evil henchmen in this badass grandpa’s hero origin story. 

Legend has it he is still roaming the streets, stopping embarrassing college criminals with one plunge of his silver knife. 

This one gets some extra points in our book for being the most enriching thing Tyagi’s biology classmates experienced all semester. Thank you to this true public servant.

“IF I Did It — Confessions of a Killer”: UTD Administrators

Potentially the worst crime against the campus community was when administrators kidnapped and brutally executed our beloved Spirit Rocks. Administrators sent vague emails to students claiming that students’ right to free expression went too far when they used the rocks as a platform for political discourse — you know, the thing you’re supposed to do in college. In their quasi-confessional, they simply stated that the “Spirit Rocks were removed” — passive voice — and refused to elaborate. Though they did remind us that free speech is a fundamental right, they just personally don’t give a shit!

Despite their bold move, administration is as cowardly as ever. They love and trust students, you see, that’s why they’re flanked by 10 police officers at every pro-Spirit Rocks protest! They enjoy sharing lunchtime with students until someone asks a question, to which they respond with their favorite NPC responses:  “How’s the weather today?” and “I’m standing here serving pizza, thank you.” 

A Fountain of Knowledge and… Other Things: Jeffrey Miranda

AMP has produced a nasty criminal of their very own! AMP alum and UTD survivor Jeffrey Miranda was tried for sexting a teenager while he worked at Allen ISD, which he only got away with on a technicality. The courts might find him innocent, but he was out there texting a high school senior “tell me how do you know about cumming, lol, just curiously” with his whole chest. This fine example of an arts major proceeded to say he didn’t realize this was inappropriate when the principal confronted him, and he claimed he was vulnerable in the face of those lusty, conniving 18 year olds. He regrettably continues teaching at UTD today. Many are wondering if his marriage will survive him being old, dumb, and broke from legal fees.

Temoc, We Need to Cook: Ross Ulbricht

No crime list is complete without Ross Ulbricht, who is not only UTD’s most famous criminal, but arguably UTD’s most famous alum. Ulbricht followed his “Breaking Bad” dreams by creating the Silk Road, a dark net market where he facilitated the sale of millions of dollars in narcotics and other illegal substances. He was sentenced to life in 2015 for conspiring to sell drugs, laundering money, and hacking computers — but surprisingly not for using “Dread Pirate Roberts,” the name of a character from Princess Bride, as his pseudonym to hype himself up online. Despite being a physics students while at UTD, Ulbricht perfectly embodies the values of our student body, mixing the personalities of the libertarian CS nerd who aspires to repeal child labor laws and the crypto-banking JSOM bro who only has nefarious, untaxable income. 

What haters seem to forget, though, is that Ulbrich played a vital role in facilitating UTD’s students’ successes through free Adderall. Extra style points to this king for getting us through finals. 

Is Cold Taco Bell Even Worth All That: The Students Who Stole Tobor

Last on our list is the curious case of the Tobor thieves — just kidding, these students weren’t charged with anything. They kidnapped a Tobor and took it to their friend’s house to gawk at before immediately setting it free, but the campus hivemind crowned these students as the CEOs of devious licks when the video went viral on Reddit.

To be fair, how else is the student body supposed to interpret this Grand Theft Tobor? Those little creatures are fragile – would you kidnap a baby for even a few seconds? Poor Tobor is likely still recovering from the fright. Was it worth sniping the free Taco Bell?