Ah, youth. The essence of life. They say that with age comes wisdom, but all I got from it were back pains, a weak nose, and a very ugly divorce with my latest ex-wife! So let’s forget them (and her) and flip this script around! Time to pry into the minds of our youth and see if there’s anything useful in between those ears after all.

It’s fine to prioritize joy 🙂 It will all end up okay.

Honestly? True. Sure, school is probably important and all, but so is your mental health. So let loose and cut yourself some slack! A LOT of slack, even. Look at me: I’ve been prioritizing joy for the past 30 years, and I totally love life as a super-super-super-super-super-cont. senior!

Change your major! It’ll be fun!

Major? I don’t even know her!

No seriously, what’s my major again? It’s been too long.

Just because you can drink, doesn’t mean you should.

But you COULD.

You’ve heard of senior slide era, now get ready for: bachelor brat era.

brat? What does that even mean? These freshmen keep calling me “bratford” and asking how my “brat summer” went and I’m just clueless. Look: my “brat summer” was 11 years ago, and I get the feeling it had a different, much saucier meaning than whatever it is you kiddos are yapping about now. If you REALLY wanna know, go ask my first ex-wife.

Or was it my second?

Go crazy, don’t be boring and basic, keep us all entertained (don’t do anything illegal).

Exactly! And you know what’s boring and basic? Taking classes. You know you don’t HAVE to do that, right? You can just chill in the UTD tunnels with me, indulging in my festering hoard of rat pin-ups and moldy cheese. That’s the college dream! Yep. Totally.

Fake your death and move to the woods.

Hey, it worked for me last spring! She kept sending those legal fat cats (literal fat cats, mind you) to get on my case about that prenup, and then things took an ugly turn, and then…

…What am I doing with my life?

Smile!! (And don’t die) It’s your last year :)) Enjoy it to its fullest extent!

…You know what? You’re right. These folks are about to graduate, and they owe it to themselves to make this last year a victory lap! And it’s gonna be the same for me, too! That’s right, this WILL be my last year! I’m gonna finally get my degree (whatever it may be in) and move up in the world! No more tunnels! No more lies! No more embittered exes spurned by unnecessarily hasty marriages ending in demise!

Run.

Oh my god is that her why is she here nevermind forget everything I said WHAT DOES SHE WANT NOW I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE—