Aries: School’s back! I give it a week before you start skipping classes again.

Taurus: The stars say you’re not being honest with yourself. But, like, in a cool way that makes you mysterious and sexy.

Gemini: Spiritually, what you need is to go to Panera Bread. Y’know, to remember why you don’t go to Panera.

Cancer: The fates think you need some tough love in your life. They didn’t really say what kind though, so maybe try BDSM.

Leo: Get a lawyer. You know what you did.

Virgo: Pride cometh before the fall. And it is almost fall, so I guess you get a free pass to be full of yourself? That’s how that works, probably.

Libra: Cope with your staggering lack of confidence by having copious and unsafe amounts of hot, nasty sex. The stars have assured me that it absolutely, definitely won’t backfire at all, even a little bit. For sure.

Scorpio: Newest get-rich-quick scheme: take out a $40,000 loan from the mafia. Famously, this has never resulted in even a single person’s kneecaps being bent a full 180 degrees by a sledgehammer, ever.

Sagittarius: If someone near you spontaneously combusts this month, just uh. Don’t worry about it. That’s not about you.

Capricorn: Forget about all your troubles this month and treat yourself. Sip on a piña colada, kick up your feet. Start a new situationship.

Aquarius: Ok, real talk, I lost your fortune, but isn’t it crazy that you can just buy a 192 count box of those shitty cheese sticks the lunch lines sold in high school? You can just do that. It’s like $100.

Pisces: The more shit gets tough for you, the more your character will grow this month. Ergo, if you actively seek to put yourself in shitty, horrible situations, you’ll just like, win becoming a good person. You’ll be THE good person.