The Halloween season rears its ugly head once again, and this year AMP has decided to bring dental destruction to your doorstep in the form of two indie horror-comedy films about teeth in places they shouldn’t be. What’s with the oral fixation? Honestly we couldn’t tell you, it just felt right. Consider this our equivalent of putting a toothbrush into your trick-or-treat bag — we know you probably don’t want it and we don’t care. Let us have this.

CONTENT WARNING: body horror, slight gore, sexual assault/violence, and… vagina dentata? 

TUSK

The first film for this month’s double-feature was Kevin Smith’s “Tusk” (2014) and boy howdy did this one subvert my expectations. How can a movie about a guy turning another guy into a human walrus subvert any sort of expectation, you ask? For starters, it’s a lot funnier than you probably think it is. Typically when it comes to body horror of any sort, I feel as though its inherent grotesqueness gets in the way of any attempt at comedy. However, “Tusk” blows this presupposition out of the water almost immediately.

It starts by introducing us to our main character and public enemy number one, a podcaster named Wallace Bryton. Wallace is an A+ schmuck and feels largely irredeemable as a character due to his unbearable dudebro personality. His podcast is called the “Not-See Party” and it involves Wallace and his co-host finding and interviewing eccentric people. After deciding to interview a kid who reenacted a “Kill Bill” scene with a katana and accidentally severed his leg, Wallace arrives in Manitoba, Canada only to discover that the kid died by suicide with presumably the very same katana. Instead of reacting with sadness or horror, Wallace feels cheated and acts like a huge dickwad about the entire thing, setting out to find a different person to interview. Trust me when I say that by the end of this film you won’t feel too bad for this guy. I kept a mental tally of how many times I wanted to smack the raggedy mustache off his face and I think the final count was something close to 22.

Anyway, Wallace later finds a handwritten flyer in some bathroom offering free room and board to anyone who likes hearing interesting stories. Immediately curious, Wallace goes to the address and meets its resident cryptic old man, Howard Howe, who claims to be a retired sailor. Judging by the impressive size of his home, its isolated location, and the oddities that decorate its walls, we know this spells trouble for Wallace. But for better or worse he is incredibly idiotic and full of hubris, so he sticks around and attempts to pry a couple good stories out of the old sailor. He is then drugged and captured. Oh, Wallace…

From here onward begins the walrusification.

What we’re calling walrusification is actually a series of reconstructive surgeries that contort Wallace’s body into that of a walrus. If this process sounds goofy as hell it’s because it absolutely is. I mean it’s definitely gross too, but the reveal of the practical walrus suit was so funny that it immediately made up for the yuck factor. It’s just a foam blob that Wallace’s actor (Justin Long) is forced to flop and shuffle around in while making vague screaming noises. It’s freaking awesome. We also learn that Howard is obsessed with walruses because one allegedly saved his life while he was lost at sea and he formed a very close bond with it, naming it Mr. Tusk. Sadly, Howard was forced to kill and eat Mr. Tusk in order to survive. Howard felt a deep-seated guilt over killing his semi-aquatic companion, and thus sought to make things right by, uh… creating a walrus suit for himself and transforming another person into a walrus so they can kill each other in ritual combat. Huh. Well, I suppose there are some things you can’t exactly unpack in therapy. This doesn’t sound too good for Wallace, and it isn’t. After nearly drowning in his custom built walrus enclosure twice, Wallace eventually defeats Howard by stabbing him to death with his tusks. Instead of putting this poor wretch out of his misery, Wallace’s rescuers end up sending him to a crappy little animal sanctuary to live out his days in unfathomable suffering. Sometimes his ex-girlfriend even tosses a raw mackerel into his enclosure for him to eat. What more could a guy possibly want?

In the end, I love how much this film makes Wallace’s walrus-y fate feel mostly deserved — at least as deserved as forced walrus reconstructive surgery can be. Get tusked, idiot. I also have to hand it to Kevin Smith for continuing to make controversial independent cinema that nobody asked for, but has great entertainment value regardless. If you’re even remotely interested in giving “Tusk” a watch, I highly recommend it!

TEETH

I honestly don’t know where to begin with this one, so I guess I’ll start with the facts. “Teeth” (2007) is a horror comedy film written and directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein. It, like a few other movies probably, features acting, cinematography, and a story. Said story is about a teenage girl finding out that she has teeth in her vagina that bite off dudes’ weewees. Yeah, we’re entering real Oscar territory here.

Now, what surprised me the most about “Teeth,” in direct contrast to my co-writer’s… disturbingly merry experience with “Tusk,” was how unfunny this movie was. But I actually don’t mean that in a bad way. “Teeth” is certainly comedic when it tries to be; the movie is never afraid to play up the horrific absurdity of its premise, best exemplified with one very spooky scene of a terrified gynecologist proclaiming “IT’S REAL! VAGINA DENTATA IS REAL!” in classic horror movie fashion.

For a supposed horror comedy, both the horror and the comedy frequently take a backseat to more dramatic endeavors. See, “Teeth” follows its protagonist, Dawn, and her unbelievably unfortunate series of sexually violent encounters at the hands of several predatory men, as well as the ensuing emotional and mental trauma. Dawn begins as a very modest, religiously/sexually conservative person, an identity she assumes with a veneer of both innocence and ignorance. We then watch as those mindsets and beliefs are forcibly confronted and assailed upon in the most horribly extreme ways, and witness how Dawn grapples with those experiences and changes.

No scene displays this better than, in my eyes, Dawn’s return to the religious youth chastity group she had given an eager speech to at the beginning of the film. Initially, this was an environment portrayed in a warm, optimistic light, one that Dawn found friendship and community in. She’s slated to speak again at a later date, something she’s very excited about, until her life is, of course, upended. Upon her return, Dawn now tearfully attempts to speak about her experience as a survivor, the pain and despair she’s felt, as well as the isolation and guilt of having broken the “promise” of her chastity. But it’s to no avail. The crowd watching her are silent and still, only ever speaking to recite the sins of temptation and the banishment of Adam and Eve from Eden. The message is clear: they do not understand or accept Dawn, and it isn’t long before she’s pulled off-stage. It’s scenes like this that made me realize that “Teeth” wasn’t just an absurd, campy romp about vagina teeth — it’s also trying to tackle the importance of sexual safety/autonomy and the dangers of their violation, especially in a society with norms that can suppress or ostracize survivors of sexual assault. Mood whiplash aside, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t at least respect the film’s sheer ambition and audacity.

It is that same audacity, however, that can be seen as the film’s weakness. Because at the end of the day, “Teeth” is a VERY graphic and intense film, and I’m not just talking about bloody, stumpy, castrated weewees. I mean, those are there too, but maybe you’re the type of person who finds it funny to watch someone get their dick bitten off, holler like Beaker the Muppet, and then run off and fall butt-naked into a lake. I am. But this is also a film with a lot of sexual violence and predation, and it can seem disturbingly gratuitous. I’d be hard-pressed to think of many people who’d willingly watch that, and one could argue that it doesn’t make the film provocative or horrific, but tasteless instead. However, that would open another can of worms on creative intent and subjectivity. The fact is, “Teeth” certainly isn’t for everyone, but if you’re looking for a ridiculous, intense, dramatic horror comedy with a surprising thematic direction, I believe it’s worth giving it a shot.