Aries: This month, you will be subjugated, thrown under the bus, betrayed, and otherwise just kinda fucked with by the universe. Turn this in your favor by having the most annoying possible victim complex you can muster.

Taurus: Fate hopes you buckle under the weight of your sins and the ire you bring upon yourself in the abuse of your power. Unless you like “Dark Souls 2,” in which case fate decrees you get frozen yogurt. Just, like, at your convenience.

Gemini: Death has an appointment with you. But you can, like, reschedule if you want.

Cancer: You’re due for just a fun, happy, grand ol’ time. Yep. No weird secret stipulations with that or anything. Absolutely none whatsoever.

Leo: The stars say you should be a bitch to people this month. Not really for any good reason or anything, but you don’t want to disappoint them, do you?

Virgo: You would have a lot of really good long-term prospects by now, if only your brain weren’t so pathetic and small.

Libra: Big changes in your professional life! Who knows if they’re good!

Scorpio: Things are not what they seem. Except for when they are. Like right now, when I’m telling you they’re not. Or are they…?

Sagittarius: For Halloween, you should go as a box of matches! Because you’re gonna get burnt out really soon.

Capricorn: You have the stars’ auspices in your endeavors this month. And, you won an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris! The one in Iowa. So, y’know. Have fun in Paris, Iowa, I guess.

Aquarius: You should feel accomplished this month! For uh…erm…I, uh…I don’t know, actually. Scratch that, I suppose.

Pisces: CURSE OF MILD INNER TURMOIL!!! You will now be slightly conflicted every time it is your turn to order at a fast-food place. Just enough to be an inconvenience to literally everyone around you.