A little birdie — or a squirrel, probably, whatever lurks in nature this time of year — told me that the holidays are fast approaching. Apparently the youths of today need a rundown on how and when to get celebratory, so they decided to ask a middle-aged, divorced rat. AKA the most qualified guy with more than enough time to get a party going. Let’s get to it!

National Raccoon Day (1st)

What? National RACCOON Day? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize those striped scoundrels were royalty. Tch. And to think the government told me “National Ratford Month” couldn’t be done!

“Mean Girls” Day (3rd)

I’ve known a lot of mean girls. I married most of them, and even though I am no longer married to any of them, I still think they’re worth celebrating.

World Animal Day (4th)

Should be renamed World Rat Day, honestly. OBVIOUSLY I’m the best animal. Is it even a question at this point?

National Coming Out Day (11th)

There’s a day for this? Shit, I’ve just been doing it all the time. I come out of closets, I come out of holes. I even came out of the back of a pick-up truck, once. That one was fun. You should ask my lesbian boyfriend about that one.

Columbus Day (14th)

Oh, so when THIS guy hops on a boat and spreads deadly diseases to other parts of the world he’s labeled a hero, but when rats do it we’re considered dangerous pests? Alright. I get it. This hypocrisy reeks more than a wedge of limburger cheese.

National Cheese Curd Day (15th)

Now here’s a holiday! In honor of this wonderful occasion I will be consuming my body weight in yummy, delicious curds.

Global Cat Day (16th)

Okay. Okay, I’ll forgive you for this one. The C and R are pretty close on a keyboard after all. Those hairball-coughing, innocent-rat-chasing fur monsters would never need to be celebrated, so it’s a typo right? Right…?

Mischief Night (30th)

Finally, a rat-specific holiday! The extended Roquefort family and I like to get together once a year on the night before halloween to commit acts of extreme tomfoolery. To conduct some extraordinary japery, if you will.