Following the removal of the Editor-in-Chief of The Mercury — UTD’s official (now defunct) student newspaper — the Office of Student Affairs, which oversees Student Media, cited the Student Media Bylaws in communications surrounding the firing and subsequent (denied) appeal of the Editor. Now, as an ex-officio (non-voting) member of the Student Media Operating Board, I have a copy of the bylaws, but for the life of me I could not tell where Student Affairs managed to find some of the justifications for their decisions. Between having less than a majority vote to fire the Editor, bypassing the Board’s role in appeals, and not even inviting me to the meeting that started this bullshit, I could only conclude one thing:

Student Affairs is operating under a completely different set of bylaws, completely undisclosed to the public, that renders the version I have completely moot.

As a proponent of truth and justice in our fair society, and of the inalienable right of the people to Know Shit, I have deduced with my keen skills of observation and reasoning a set of revised bylaws that should, by my calculations, match up with Student Affairs’. Included are only the bylaws that have been revised, but you can find the full original bylaws on our website at ampatutd.com. Enjoy the freedom of the press, bitches.

STUDENT MEDIA BYLAWS (REVISED)

CHAPTER 1. GENERAL PROVISIONS

SECTION 1.1 PURPOSE

This document contains guidelines for the administration and operation of student media designed specifically for campus communication.

SECTION 1.2 DEFINITIONS

In this document, unless the context requires a different meaning,

1. “senior director” means judge, jury, and executioner of all things Student Media;
2. “director” means dangly little puppet person for Student Affairs;
3. “vice president” means God-Emperor of Student Affairs;
4. “student” means sniveling and entitled brat who should get blown up alongside Palestine;
5. “board” means whatever is most convenient to Student Affairs;

CHAPTER 2. ADMINISTRATION AND ORGANIZATION

SECTION 2.1 OPERATING BOARD

1. The Student Media Operating Board exists to establish the façade that there is a system of checks and balances upon the power of Student Affairs, purely for purposes of public relations.
2. The board shall conduct its business pursuant to whatever prevents Student Affairs and UTD administration from having to engage with any trace of moral introspection.
3. Student ex-officio, non-voting members of the board (i.e. Student Media Leaders) should go fuck themselves.
4.   The senior director shall place appeals promptly in The Shredder^TM when an appeal is brought forward to the board, as The Shredder^TM serves as every step in the appeal process.
5. Quorum consists of as many professional staff and as few student board members as possible without outright killing the students with rocks.

SECTION 2.4 STUDENT NEWSPAPER EDITOR AND MANAGING EDITOR

1. The positions of editor and managing editor of the student newspaper shall be promptly placed in The Shredder^TM by the director and/or senior director whenever possible.
2. The editor and managing editor may not hold other appointments as student employees at the University, which arbitrarily includes the separate definition of ‘student roles’ and will be enforced even after the receipt of express permission by the senior director.

SECTION 2.8 PROTECTION OF EDITORIAL EXPRESSION

1.  Who gives a fuck?

SECTION 2.9 REMOVAL FROM OFFICE

1. Conduct that may be subject to disciplinary action includes, but is not limited to, the following:
   1. speaking out against UTD administration and their completely justified complicity in actual genocide;

4. If there is evidence that the student newspaper editor or managing editor, radio station manager, magazine editor or managing editor, or TV station manager is in violation of any of the above referenced rules and regulations, the operating board shall consider the alleged violations and decide in line with whatever Student Affairs wishes. That review shall be subject to procedures as determined under the authority of the vice president and provide the student whose case is to be considered the:
   1. lubricant;
   2. pornography; and
   3. dildo with which to go fuck themselves.
5. Removal of any student media management from their duties shall require straight-up lying to everybody on campus.
6. Action of the board on matters such as this may be appealed to the senior director under Section 4.5 and again, promptly placed in The Shredder^TM.

CHAPTER 3. DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

SECTION 3.1 OPERATING BOARD

1. The operating board shall serve as a governing body. The board will be responsible for sitting around and looking pretty.The board shall serve as a review body to consider how best to place appeals in The Shredder^TM. Action of the board may be appealed to the senior director and promptly placed in The Shredder^TM in accordance with Section 4.5.

SECTION 3.2 STUDENT MAGAZINE EDITOR

1. The student magazine editor shall be responsible for being a funny little jester-person who should not be taken seriously or even responded to if at all possible. They shall surely never turn against Student Affairs or UTD administration, as all Student Media leaders are expected to have no moral backbone except for that pesky newspaper.

SECTION 3.4 STUDENT NEWSPAPER EDITOR

1. The newspaper editor shall be responsible for lying down and dying slowly. If possible, their death shall also be agonizing.

SECTION 3.8 MEDIA ADVISERS

1. The director of student media serves as the primary media adviser and is responsible for general oversight of the material, programming, business affairs and operating procedures of all UTD student media;
2. The media adviser shall be consulted on all matters pertaining to the material, programming and business aspects of all student media and shall act on the appropriate course of censure based on salvaging UTD’s public image;
3. Decisions made under the provision of this section may be appealed according to Section 4.5 and promptly placed in The Shredder^TM.

CHAPTER 4. OPERATING POLICIES

SECTION 4.2 GENERAL POLICIES

1.  As the student news publication of UT Dallas, The Mercury strives to inform, educate and entertain the university community with unique content focused on student interest, while fostering integrity and innovation among its student staff and providing them with the opportunity to learn journalistic ethics, best practices, and to develop verbal and written communication skills. The Mercury shall be drawn and quartered en masse for doing exactly this.

SECTION 4.5 REVIEW AND APPEAL

1.  The operating board shall serve as the first review of appealed operating decisions as are permitted under the various provisions of this chapter.
2. Completely disregard Section 4.5(a). In fact, the senior director shall copy and paste it into a Word document to fill a page that shall then be printed out, rolled up, soaked in olive oil, and fucked. If the senior director lacks a penis, the senior director shall invest in a strap. The senior director shall then promptly place the fucked Section 4.5(a) into The Shredder^TM, alongside any appeals.
3.  In all matters of review and appeal under this chapter, the board shall do absolutely nothing as the senior director and vice president go on a manic power trip and presumably have a great time installing fascism in the structure of operations at UTD.
4. Appeals normally shall be filed in writing to the senior director within two (2) class days of the action and shall be heard just kinda whenever.

SECTION 4.6 MAINTENANCE OF THE SHREDDER^TM

1. The Shredder^TM shall serve as the arbiter of all student requests, concerns, or appeals regarding the operation of Student Media. The Shredder^TM shall be carefully maintained in order to ensure it can best read, review, and promptly shred any documents submitted to Student Affairs by students or otherwise annoying/threatening to Student Affairs’ whims and desires. It may, on occasion, also shred students as necessary.
2. The Shredder^TM is a highly tuned instrument of archival destruction, and must be kept in top shape with the following care instructions:
   1. The Shredder^TM is prone to overheating and must have its coolant reserves restocked with student tears daily;
   2. The Shredder^TM cannot be operated by anyone with a soul without severe harm or fatality to the operator, and must therefore only be operated by the director, senior director, and vice president;
   3. The Shredder^TM hungers. The Shredder^TM shall be permitted loose in ECSS to feast on virgins during every blood moon;
   4. The Shredder^TM must be kept in a luxury suite with a spa and a wet bar, ideally funded by Student Media ad revenue;
   5. The Shredder^TM is also racist. No action must be taken regarding this, but it is good to know.
3. The Shredder^TM shall also shred any documentation pertaining to Student Media ad revenue, which is never to be invested back into the publications and shall instead be stored away in a dark closet somewhere the IRS won’t find it.