The Grease-Men’s Greasemen

When students heard that Resident Old-White-Guy-in-Charge Richard C. Benson was resigning, they likely either cried tears of joy or were too busy being screenagers. Like most students, I possess a moderate hatred for the man. Benson’s replacement, though, could simply repeat his evils. You see, there exists a long lineage of presidents at this school, starting even before UTD’s founding. For each of the nine presidents under the Graduate Research Center of the Southwest (GRCSW), the prepubescent version of campus, and UTD, the pubescent version of campus, there exists one word to describe them all: greasy. Two words: really greasy. All that grease doesn’t just appear by coincidence.

Unfortunately for all the democracy fans out there, the appointment of our campus’ president is decided by a relatively unknown, unelected board in Austin known as the Board of Regents consisting of bankers, lawyers, and real estate managers — professions generally known for their altruistic honesty. More importantly, they are entirely appointed by Governor Greg Abbott and confirmed by the Texas Senate — people eternally known for their altruistic honesty. 

As it stands, the Presidential Search Advisory Committee will consist of at least 13 people, with only one active student (supposedly to be chosen by student government) and three faculty. The rest will be random bureaucrats and political henchmen for the governor. Since Abbott’s election, he has appointed members to this board that have directly donated over $5.8 million to his own campaigns. Given that it’s unlikely the broke-ass dweebs at this school can scrounge up that kind of dough, we’re probably going to be stuck with this system. At the very least, though, I can complain about how greasy it is: both in a yucky government corruption way and in a slimy old guy way.

The Grease Index

In order to better understand the historic rise of grease to the endemic proportions as it exists at modern UTD, it makes sense to embrace the truly disgusting pillars of campus academics: research, numbers, and — worst of all — statistics. With a full ten weeks under my belt, it seems clear that I, a dreamy-eyed freshman, ought to propose a new scale that factors in all aspects of what makes a president despicable. My measurements are objective. And, based on my understanding of what the word “objective” is, my measurements will be solely created to push my personal objective of complaining about the lineage of weird men that have absolute control over campus politics. I will consider their age, their actions prior to appointment, and their legacy. Then, my objective scale, The Grease Index, shall output a value that encapsulates each president’s greasiness. Truly an immensely valuable use of our temporary time in existence.

Lloyd V. Berkner

First up is the big man Lloyd V. Berkner, who already is racking up grease points for having the first name Lloyd. He did so much military and nuclear science during the Cold War that the Library of Congress has over 21,000 pages on him across 164 boxes. Yeah, that’s right, he’s from the good-old-fashioned era of government when we spied on people and printed intelligence out for no reason instead of choosing to sell that information to advertising agencies for pennies on the dollar. Berkner had that fun old man tendency to advocate for millions of dollars of military spending without much thought into the military industrial complex it created or its impact on normal people living anywhere but the United States. Also, Berkner was a ripe 56 years old when he began presiding, which is surprisingly below average based on some of these other guys—a fact that continues to haunt this university to the modern day. While his Cold War policy had nuance at times with his views on defense-first agenda-setting, he remained a product of his time; but, as a full snowflake-liberal tie-dye-hippie political science major, I simply cannot let him get off clean. This may also be because I am jealous of the fact that he literally has a lunar crater named after him. For the first member of the Hall of Grease, it feels right to use him as a baseline, though, so I’ll give him a middling 6.1/10 for his moderate amount of grease.

Gifford K. Johnson

Here’s yet another member of the GRCSW club. Alongside that comes yet another friend of the military industrial complex. How fun. And greasy. Unfortunately for us, the grease really starts showing when you look at his ideas around funding for the campus. When pressed about why this campus and UNT couldn’t coexist, he responded, “You can’t be successful by suffering the indulgences of another institution.” That’s the supremely administrative way of saying that an entire university should kick rocks and die. Johnson was also weirdly against the state spending money on social programs, which is a tough ideology for a soon-to-be state public education president to hold. This man is truly beyond my comprehension of political theory: a government-funded aeronautics scientist that hates government-funded anything except what he is doing. Additionally, he changed the name of the school from GRCSW to SCAS. Is that important? No. Did it add hours to this extensive research piece? Yes. For endowing my soul with cognitive dissonance and migraines, this old man shall be rewarded with an 8.2/10 for a remarkable amount of grease.

Dr. Francis S. Johnson

Before we leave the pre-UTD era, we have one last man — a transitory acting president that only lasted two years and still managed to have the stereotypical grease experience. A former Lockheed Martin employee, Johnson was yet another white man to share this phonetic last name. Unlike others with the same sounding name, like Erik Jonsson with JO, this one sadly doesn’t get a crusty building named after him. Instead, he spent his time begging for funding, like a proper UTD student. One love letter between Johnson and Jonsson ended with the romantic “Warm regards,” and a request to “piggyback and send my best to [Johnson’s wife] and Frank.” I know piggybacking sounds quant, but even I know that’s innuendo for something sexually devious. Later, this guy joined the US Air Force Science Advisory Board. It’s at this point when I started to expect that every one of these old men is just a clone created within the military’s secret grease department. No wonder we fund the military so much. All and all, this guy was a blip on the decades-long timeline, yet he still gets a 6.8/10 for a quant amount of grease.

Dr. Henry Bryce Jordan

Finally, we have officially entered the UTD period of this article. What an absolute travesty. During his term, he opened the school to undergraduate juniors and seniors, awarding the first bachelor’s degree, which was an obvious mistake we never recovered from. Getting a degree used to cost a grand $195 per semester; now, it costs your social life. Jordan also oversaw the creation of The Mercury. Remember when that was a thing? Now it’s some distant memory of upperclassmen and journalism nerds. He also reigned when the Lovejack, a piece of metal with no value or culture, was constructed. That’s pretty symbolic of his entire term. In general, as a man with three white first names, he stands as what is scientifically known as a “boring-ass individual.” Sure, he oversaw the beginnings of campus for a decade, but he didn’t have anything crazy going on. That’s peak grease energy and it should be rewarded with a solid 7.2/10 for a decent amount of grease.

Dr. Alexander L. Clark

There’s nothing that says greasy like the photo of this man. That alone might be a scarier Halloween decoration than most in existence. Clark was appointed as acting president for only one year, until he got replaced by a more permanent leader. Pretty similar experience to the virgin losers at this school. Apart from that, there’s not much of note of this guy — another similarity to most dorks in attendance. Clark’s photo is enough to land him sky high on the Grease Index, where, despite no mention of his actions as acting president, he clocked an 8.7/10 for his visually noticeable amount of grease.

Dr. Robert H. Rutford

It’s a little crazy how far into this article we are and still only on the second real UTD president. In more pressing news, this guy was chronically white. He started as the head football coach while a graduate student. Thank God we were graced with his presence because we still hold that prestigious football legacy to this day by having an undefeated football team. Later, this president served as an army transporter and Second Lieutenant in the U.S. 

Why the hell are all these old guys involved with the military? It’s obsessive to the point of being a little kinky: like, they really wanted to be seen in positions of rigid authority. While we’re on the topic of rigid structures, let’s examine how Rutford’s legacy has been honored — with his name being forced onto inanimate objects. For one, he’s got a whole mountain in Antarctica named after him: Mount Rutford. They also cleverly named the central pedestrian road after him, calling it — get this — Rutford Avenue. I’m constantly amazed by the intellect of this school. Based on how I’m constantly being harassed by skateboarders, Tobor, and frat boys anytime I’m walking down the main road, I am angled to vehemently hate this man. For his crusty past and vile namesake road, Rutford shall be endowed with an 8.9/10 for his contagious amount of grease.

Dr. Franklyn G. Jenifer

Notably, this is the one and only member of this prestigious list that is not pale. Splendid. Speaking of splendid, this guy has a doctorate in plant virology. That sort of degree gives me, a political science major, hope that I might actually get employed one day. Jenifer has even published research — something social sciences at this school could never imagine doing — about turnip diseases. Bad news for Jenifer because I would be joyous if this planet were ridded of those useless rhizomes. And, I’m sorry for bringing up another terrible disgrace to this planet, but it’s worth noting that Jenifer contracted the WOKE MIND VIRUS. He has a history of arguing for putrid things like…the existence of black higher education institutions. That’s disgusting. Jenifer did have real problems in governance, though. For example, right before coming to UTD, he presided over Howard University and was widely criticized for letting Khalid Muhammad, a man that outright said Jews were “bloodsuckers” and attacked “the homosexuals” on several occasions, publicly lecture on that campus. He then resigned and jumped ship over to UTD. Good to know that even in the 90s, UTD was considered a second choice to most. Despite an initially good look, his allowance of hate speech on campuses is a legacy even modern presidents look up to, so he’s receiving an 8.4/10 for a considerable amount of grease.

Dr. David E. Daniel

I would consider Daniel to be where we enter the “modern” era. That being said, I was born three months after this man took office. While he was 65, leaving the office, I was 10, leaving elementary school and listening to Baby Shark. That’s really sad for both of us. Daniel dropped a cool billion on infrastructure and increased attendance by 10,000 people, or 69% — not nice. I’m not in favor of the mass removal of students, but the lines at Halal Shack make me reconsider that every day, and this president is who I will blame for that. Due to his father’s service in WWII, Daniel was able to drop a ton of war memorabilia on the UTD archives. Thankfully and somewhat unexpectedly, it was the right kind of WWII memorabilia. Once more, I am left confused how every single president continues to lead to the military one way or another. He helped America’s nuclear program — again, surprisingly the good version: nuclear energy instead of missiles. He studied nuclear waste disposal methods… in San Francisco …in COMMIE-FORNIA. A red-blooded American could never support a California resident or renewable energy, and his Grease Index score must reflect that; thus, he’s getting a 7.8/10 for a respectable amount of grease.

Dr. Richard C. Benson

Everyone hates this guy. 9.6/10 for an overwhelming amount of grease.

A Genealogy of Grease

As much as I can admire all the copious amounts of grease the position of president of UTD has managed to acquire, it is concerning. All these leaders are men, have some weird affiliation to the military, and exude core greasy characteristics. I’m not asking for much; I just want for our next president to be a little less of all that. If possible, I’d love for the few members of the Presidential Search Advisory Committee from our campus to be more active; however, I’m not that optimistic that much will change. While we all drown in grease, we can at least appreciate the legacy that this school has taught us: that to be the successful head of a multi-million public education institution you don’t need to be the best candidate for the job, you just have to be rich in grease and greasily rich.