WHAT UTD WON’T TELL YOU ABOUT PARKING…

So you think you know what this school is about, huh? You’ve probably heard all about the tunnels underneath campus, the malodorous dangers of the ECS buildings, and, of course, the parking police: the bastions of traffic safety protecting our school from the dangers of illegal parking and reckless driving. Well, what I’m about to reveal to you will change everything….

CHAPTER 1: The Past Always Catches Up

Full disclosure: I was never an entirely innocent person, far from it. On the highways of Dallas, I was known by many names: the Road Shark, El Conductor, and most infamous of all, the Baba MW. I committed every traffic offense short of vehicular manslaughter, and I was feared for my tendency to leave destruction in my wake. I didn’t care what happened to me or to anyone else. Not until that fateful day when I received that UTD acceptance letter. For the first time ever, I saw a way out, an exit onto a better road… so I changed. I sold my prized possession, the modified Maserati I’d been working on since I was 15, and bought an old Camry. All of a sudden, I was letting people cut me off on the highway, using my turn signals before I switched lanes, and parking in the right spots, all in hopes of making the most out of my opportunity.

CHAPTER 2: The Breaking Point

For a while, I was happy. I excelled in my classes, feasted on Dining Hall West’s famous half-cooked chicken, and savored the sweet, sweet, natural CompSci scented air of ECSS. I was here for a degree, for a second chance. I had just turned over a new leaf, and I could see all of life’s possibilities before me. That was until one day, I got back to my car and saw those accursed officers waiting there for me with chains in one hand and a parking ticket in the other. 

“Wait, wh-what are you doing here, I haven’t done anything wrong!” I exclaimed, confused at their presence.

“Your pass expired, buddy. We’re here to bring you in.” barked one of the officers as he stepped towards me.

“But wait I-I can pay for it ju—” I never got to finish that sentence. The officer pushed me to the ground and wrapped the chains around me as the other officer began to fill out the slip. All I could think about was how unfair this was. After all, it was just one mistake amongst years of good behavior. I was a changed man, wasn’t I? They shoved me into their police cruiser, and drove until we reached ECSS. I didn’t understand at first, did they plan to poison me with the disgusting fumes of the building? But my confusion was replaced with curiosity as we got into the elevator and pressed the button for the 0th floor. The elevator keep going down and down, until the lift finally came to a stop and its doors crept open. Before me, I saw cages filled with tortured, anguished students. Some were banging against the doors, begging, screaming to get out. Others simply laid still, except for their eyes, which stared straight into me as I passed them, empty and soulless.

CHAPTER 3: Parking Brutality

They threw me into a cell, locking the door behind them as they left me to rot in that accursed room. I didn’t know what would happen next, or what would happen to me. Until out of nowhere, I heard a click and the door slowly opened… and as it did, I couldn’t believe what I saw in front of me.

It was Temoc in the flesh! Strangely enough, he was wearing a suit, but I have to admit that it was a very flattering look for him. Temoc sneered at me, his toothy grin wide and clear. “Please let me explain, my pass expired yesterday and I was pla—” I was cut off as Temoc suddenly dashed towards me, covering the 5 meters between him and I in less than a second, and slammed his foot into my ribcage, throwing me into the wall and cracking the concrete. My vision became blurry as I sank to the floor, and as I faded in and out of consciousness, I could see Temoc begin to foam at the mouth with his massive toothy grin.

After that… everything was a blur. He dragged me into another room, sat me down in front of a projector, and held my eyes open with some godforsaken contraption as they played reels of the parking police and their “epic” arrests accompanied by obnoxious phonk music. After that, they made me take an entire Driver’s Ed course, which actually wasn’t that bad, but the fact that I had to do it was pretty annoying. And the last thing I remember was them dunking me in the fluid of Dining Hall West leftovers, getting drowned repeatedly in gallons of chocolate milk, chicken tenders, and coke all mixed together. I don’t know how long I was there, but I do remember waking up on the steps of Hoblitzelle Hall in a state similar to how I was born: naked, freezing, and covered in chocolate milk.

CHAPTER 4: Parabellum

Dazed and confused, I wandered back to where I left my car. It had a dozen more tickets left on the windshield, probably left there by those bastards in my absence. The drive home was uncomfortable and sticky, and as I stood in the shower washing off the stench of chocolate milk and gasoline(?), I began to cry. They had defiled me, destroyed me, robbed me of the only things I had left: my hope and my money. Was this the life I was destined for? I was so scarred that I even contemplated buying a bike, since it would be the only way for me to be free of their grasp. But the absurdity of that thought single-handedly brought me out of my depression. A bike? I wasn’t some lowly pedestrian, I was the Baba MW. I had never been afraid of anything

before, and I wasn’t about to start now. I’ve often had to resist the urge to return to my old ways, but yeah, I’m thinking I’m back.

It’s been 4 months since that fateful decision, and in that time 4 parking officers quit and 5 more have taken paid vacations. And that’s no coincidence — I’ve been busy speeding across campus, spray painting purple parking spots green, defacing speed limit signs with text saying “go nuts,” egging the parking police’s office, and worst of all, parking wherever I want and not paying the fines.

So why am I telling you all this? It’s because I know that I’m not alone. There are other students like me, those who were wrongly jailed and fined, those who have been desecrated by those vile “protectors.” I used to not care what happened to others, but now I can’t stand idly by and watch as innocent people suffer. This is my message to anyone who has suffered as I have, as we have:

We are here, and we are waiting.