Although fake news media has indoctrinated you into believing that the drug epidemic or chronic homelessness or border control are the most important issues, they’ve got it all wrong. This country is only ruined by one thing: an obsession with Christmas. 

I used to be able to buy all varieties of apples—Red Delicious, Granny Crisp, Fuji—with no problem. Now, every time I walk down the produce aisle, I’m stricken with fear by my Post-Thanksgiving Stress Disorder because of the putrid red/green combination. And worse, ever since November 1st, I have awoken sporadically in the middle of the night to the voice of Mariah Carey calling out like an evil, pop-based soprano siren. I ask people, “Do you hear what I hear?” and they ask me if I’m referring to the song. I’m not. Slowly sung words with a chorus backing don’t make me feel heavenly. It makes me feel like I’m trapped in a place worse than ECS South: a high school choir room.

I always saw the thousands of crosses, angels, bells, doves, and Jesuses and never realized this, but it turns out the holiday was actually derived from a religious context. Believers claim it to be a celebration of Christ, but with all the attachment to buying worldly possessions, praising pop idols instead of the Lord, and tree chopping, you’d think they actually wanted Christmenos instead of Christmás (learn Spanish, dorks). 

Every aspect of our life is inextricably tied to this supposedly holy day. Spotify and Google force all things Christmas into my feeds. An American delicacy, the Oreo, has descended into the ninth layer of hell and created a horrid red variety. Even our sidewalks have adopted straight passageways in an attempt to force us to walk along the straight, ordained path set by God. 

Our local political landscape is to blame for this all. On our very own campus, the Student Government’s Devilry, Enema, and Incel (DEI) committee has attempted to make everyone feel welcomed. In doing so, they have brought violent pro-Christmas free speech radicalists, allowing them to blast their music, share their gifts, and implant their agenda into the minds of innocent youngins. It should be no wonder that thought leaders like Ben Shapiro call nonsense campus DEI efforts like ours the work of “liberal snowflakes.” Their existence perpetuates the subjugation of America’s true most-oppressed class of whiny satirists and online podcasters. 

At its root, this is an institutional issue. UTD admin have mandated an extended Winter Break (poorly hidden anti-work propaganda) to normalize Christmas acceptance. I am tired of decisions like these that disregard the wellbeing of the student body simply for the sake of sustaining the control of UTD’s higher ups. The solution is clear—freeze the radical Winter Break for good. Though some communities will need to forgo their celebrations, I believe this collective departure from winter holidays will bring students together. I’ll give up Hanukkah, these extremists can give up Christmas, and Benson and the rest of the Satanists can give up whatever blood ritual they do in December. 

Unfortunately, this localized action is not enough to create long-term change; rather, we need to embrace societal reform through consumer-side activism. It is the responsibility of every one of us to ensure that Christmas becomes a relic of the past—a mere ornament on the tree of our collective consciousness. To do so, we must take a page from the radical Christmaniacs own book, “Home Alone,” which really puts the cult in cult classic. If you have the financial means, I urge you to set up a comedically timed series of traps for any so-called believer in Christmas. See what happens when you throw bricks at the skulls of passersby from the third-floor roof of your dorm. True, beautiful change starts with you.

Even if every reader of this magazine chose to take up arms against those nasty freaks, I fear Christmas would still tyrannically reign over America. All fourteen of you can’t change that. Still, it’s worth analyzing the drastic implications the onset of Christmas could bear on our democracy. We cannot change the season, but we can season the season…with insight.

Everything in society will devolve further into a culture of misinformation. No, the weather outside is not frightful. It’s maybe sixty degrees at worst. Christmascists, though, will spread lies about some reindeer with a glowing red nose, leaving no surprise as to why half the country won’t take a vaccine. 

The political elites are likely to become even more unrepresentative of the general populous. Is it any coincidence that a society that celebrates a presumably three-hundred-year-old Santa Claus also willingly elects two back-to-back presidents born before Christianity was invented? Obviously not. Painting a geriatric, burly man that drapes himself in red robes as a heroic figure in American consciousness is singlehandedly eliminating my ability to become a homeowner.

Meanwhile, our planet will continue to reach record low temperatures as the global cooling cabal further drags the world into fulfilling a White Christmas. At our current rate, the planet will reach upwards of 1.2°C, which could lead us to a tipping point of continually increasing holiday spirit and holidays. Scientists around the world agree that without substantial government action, American soil will be flooded with snowfall and native flora will be replaced by the invasive Fraser fir Christmas tree. Considering our governor’s history with trees, I’m utterly confused by his inaction on this matter.

It seems there is little hope for humanity. Frankly, I understand the drive to completely disregard any mention of holidays in times like these, but we cannot give up. I’ve found hope in the small things and you can too! Keep an extensive list of anyone that gift-gives. Burn local Christmas trees. Wrap your gifts with nitroglycerin. For every one mall Santa, there’s at least four arsonists. It might seem cold outside (or not…it’s Texas), but together we can reverse global cooling and kill Christmas for good.