
Aries: Workplace safety violations may give you an opportunity for a lawsuit! But do you have it in your heart to sue…Santa Claus???
Taurus: Don’t be afraid to rely on your friends for support in the coming month. It’s not like any of them will betray you or anything. Definitely not in a way involving oddly-shaped candy canes and a mysterious sledding accident. That’s for sure not gonna happen.
Gemini: This will be your worst holiday season yet. The real present is knowing it can’t happen again, right?
Cancer: The stars say you’re gonna lose your balance. Like, literally. You’re gonna fall over a bunch and it’ll be super embarrassing every time. They’ll all laugh at you. Idiot.
Leo: You’ll have a unique opportunity with someone special under the mistletoe soon! Don’t take it. You’re not gonna have a good time.
Virgo: You’re NOT making the nice list this year. Just gonna have to live with that.
Libra: You’re gonna be a little broke for a while. That’s all. No advice. You filthy peasant.
Scorpio: Aren’t you tired of the same old holidays? Try joining a new religion! Ideally one with a lot of beheaded goats.
Sagittarius: Something they don’t tell you — you don’t actually have to take accountability for your fuck-ups. You can just keep running away forever. It’s good exercise, really.
Capricorn: You need more discipline in your life. But, like, are you going to do anything about that? That’s rhetorical. You’re not. You lazy piece of shit.
Aquarius: Good things for you! Lots of healing coming your way! All you have to do is cauterize your wounds with a menorah. And take a loooooot of painkillers. And also kill the big horned monster guy trying to stuff you in a sack.
Pisces: Good news! You get to be the side of the situationship that fucks the other person over! How exciting! Too bad it won’t fill the gaping, all-consuming void in your soul.
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