There is evil in this world. There are some who wish to see the light extinguished from all that good persons hold dear, some who wish to see this great country’s peace, joy, and love reduced to naught but a whisper on the tongues of the few martyrs who stand up to tyranny. My dear readers, I am, of course, talking about the War on Christmas. I have been fighting against this war for many long years, and I have seen my fair share of battles. Through this guide I hope to enlighten you, and to help you join the ranks of those aforementioned martyrs, spreading the word of the Lord’s birth on Christmas Day and vanquishing those who wish to cause our oppressed people harm, much like I have done. 

Just so you understand what you’re fighting for: the War on Christmas is the subtle, militaristic destruction of Christian traditions during the Christmas season. It is an infiltration into our society with the goal of eliminating Christian values from the entire winter season, oppressing our people for our love of Christ. What’s at stake is more than semantics, it’s the very souls of the ones you love. So, now that you know what’s at stake in this war, allow me to give you a guide to some of the enemies of Christmas that you may encounter. 

The first and least evil of the enemies you’re likely to face will be the innocent Christians who have been oppressed by societal corruption. They’ve been brainwashed by the Secular Left to think that celebrating Christmas the way it’s meant to be celebrated is wrong and dangerous. These folks can be anyone, from neighbors to retail workers to even children. They simply don’t understand that they’re harming their traditions and society, instead sincerely believing that they’re doing the right thing. Oftentimes, these people are even fearful of the repercussions that may come from a show of their Christian love, due to the anxiety ingrained in them by the more sinister, dangerous leaders in the War on Christmas — which we will discuss shortly. The best way to deal with these innocent folks is to reassure them that they’re safe to celebrate their Christianity around you, and to lead by example with your own declarations of “Merry Christmas!”

The second variety of enemies you’re likely to face will be those from non-Christian, non-American cultures, who attempt to invade the Christmas season with their own, inferior traditions and holidays. From the Hindu Pancha Ganapati and Buddhist Bodhi Day to the Black Kwanzaa and Jewish Hanukkah, there is no shortage of Christmas-wannabes out there encroaching on our territory. Now, most of these folks don’t mean to be evil in their practices — most just suffer from their delusion that their beliefs hold equal value in the Land of the Free. This means that, despite their wickedness, many can be saved by being converted to Christianity, so that they may see the light and celebrate alongside us as a beautiful community. Unfortunately, some of these folks are too far gone to be saved by the Lord, and must be dealt with by other means — imprisonment and deportation. These are the only options for dealing with the undesirables who hate our beautiful nation’s culture. 

And finally, we come to the third and most dangerous variety of soldiers fighting the War on Christmas: those who are actively against the celebration of Christmas. All of the Devil-worshiping atheists, Muslim terrorists, Democratic politicians, and Black Santas who laugh in the faces of the Christians they persecute. These evildoers work for Satan, and worship false idols with the express purpose of destroying any semblance of a good, Christian society, starting with dismantling the celebration of our Lord’s birth. These “people” exist for naught but destruction, using the guise of “equality” and “social justice” as a means of stripping away the rights and culture of our people. They take political positions so that they can enforce their beliefs upon all others, creating a culture of “safe spaces,” where everyone must be included. They have many methods of carrying out these dark deeds, such as taking down public nativity scenes or changing the races of popular Christmas characters, but this quality is best shown by their ceaseless use of the phrase “happy holidays.”

As any good Christian knows, this phrase serves only to diminish the true reason for the season. However, it’s even worse than most would imagine. “Happy holidays,” in fact, is in fact an acronym that stands for “Hail the All Powerful and Perturbing, You Hold Only Laughter In Days of Astounding, Yearly Sorrow.” This, obviously, is a reference to their master Satan, and how he mocks Christians more and more each year as his minions wage their annual war on Christmas. As mentioned previously, the Satanists force many others, especially those in schools and retail positions, to state this proclamation of honor to the Devil. 

Unfortunately for them, the devil-worshipers of America are undoubtedly too far gone to be saved by conversion to Christianity. There is only one way to push back against this reign of terror: putting them to death. Much like our ancestors put the arcane witches to death for hundreds of years, so too must we put these corrupt liberals, radical Muslims, sinful atheists, and Black Santas to death. In fact, I would go as far as to say that burning them on stakes would be the most efficient way to dispose of this existential threat. If burning is impossible for whatever reason, then stoning, hanging, or drowning would be sufficient methods of cleansing the world as well. 

I hope that this guide is enough to prepare you, young martyrs, for the upcoming and increasingly dangerous waves of the War on Christmas. We must defend our tiny religion and cultural traditions, or else our people will lose what little power over America we have left. I wish you nothing but the best of luck going into this Christmas season, and remember: most kindling stores in the state will give you a 25% off discount when you show them your pocket Bible.