The Valentine’s Day season reminds us how many forms love can take, although some expressions of love are a little more unconventional than others. You’ve probably encountered tales of some odd sexual acts throughout your life — maybe you’ve even participated in some! That said, no one can rival the ways invertebrates get down and dirty. While we humble homo sapiens (and hetero sapiens, I haven’t forgotten about you) engage in boring old normie sex positions like doggy style or reverse cowgirl, these spineless little creatures are freaking it in ways our mammalian minds can’t even comprehend.
This is why I’ve taken it upon myself to spread the news of bug sex — insect intercourse, if you will. I think we could learn a few things from these fellas — namely, what to avoid. These guys are NOT keeping it safe, sane, or consensual. I’m not sure why exactly the certified freak factor goes up the smaller you are, but that seems to be the case here. Anyway, please don’t try any of the following sexploits at home. I refuse to be held liable for any injuries or lawsuits that may result from your cretinous actions. Now, let’s get it on!
Flesh Wounds as a Love Language
I thought it would be thematically appropriate to start with the sex lives of bed bugs considering what these little freaks get up to in the sheets. Also known as Cimicidae, these small, parasitic, blood-sucking jackasses contribute nothing to society at large. Despite being a bunch of freeloaders, however, they have a very unique method of reproduction called traumatic insemination. It’s a process in which the male bed bug literally stabs his reproductive organ into the wall of the female bed bug’s body cavity. Sex and violence are apparently inseparable in bed bug society, but that’s not even the strangest part. Female bed bugs come equipped with the organ of Berlese, which sounds like an item in “Dark Souls.” This organ is located on the right side of her abdomen and exists for the sole purpose of mitigating damage caused by traumatic insemination by giving male bed bugs a target, so to speak. It essentially exists to be pierced, giving her suitors a consistent and effective area to put their little bug ding-a-lings far away from the rest of her organs and reducing the amount of harm done to her body. Which is cool, I guess! Nobody knows exactly why bed bugs are so stabby in the bedroom, but it seems to be working out for them, so I suppose that’s all that matters.
Incest for the Wincest
While incest has very clear ramifications in the mammalian world, it doesn’t quite work the same way in the insect world. Many species of insect engage in incestual behavior — and weirdly enough, it’s kind of beneficial for them. Case in point: the button beetle. This little critter is smaller than a button and just as cute as one, with adults only growing to about 1-2 millimeters in size and only living for a little over 2 months. These tiny insects are largely unremarkable apart from them almost exclusively reproducing via incest. I know that sounds awful, but rest assured there’s a scientific reason for this. Button beetles have a haplodiploid sex-determination system, which is very different from the XY chromosomal system that humans have. This means that males are always born from unfertilized eggs, whereas females are always born from fertilized ones. Considering how short a button beetle’s lifespan is, a female beetle can reproduce exponentially faster through incestuous means than otherwise, typically by mating with either her brothers or her sons. Weird as it may seem, these guys make incest work for them, and I think that’s both beautiful and slightly disturbing. Cheers, I guess.
Here for a Good Time, not a Long Time
The tale of fig trees and fig wasps is a love story as old as time. For better or worse, it’s also a love story that involves gratuitous inbreeding — you’re gonna see a lot of that in the insect world. Fig wasps are interesting creatures because they’re the only organisms that can effectively pollinate fig trees. Apart from occasional self-pollination from certain fig varieties, fig wasps are the sole reason we have figs. Everyone say, “Thank you, fig wasps!” Now let me explain why you should be grateful not to be a male fig wasp. These blind, wingless bachelors only live for a week at most, and in that time they have exactly one purpose in life: to mate with their unborn sisters. Yes, this means that when a majority of female fig wasps hatch, they are already pregnant with their brothers’ spawn. I suppose you should be grateful not to be a female fig wasp either, but at least they get to leave their birthplace. Male fig wasps exist only to fertilize the eggs of their sisters and then die in the same state they were born in — horny and covered in fig juice. This technically means that you’re eating dead wasps anytime you bite into a wild fig, but don’t worry! Figs secrete a special enzyme that breaks down and absorbs the bodies of fig wasps, so you’re actually eating the juicy essence of what was once dead wasps. Delicious and nutritious!
A Real Mindfuck
Dragonflies are one of my favorite insects, not only because they resemble tiny little fighter jets, but because they practice one of the most unique sex positions in the animal kingdom. They start with a position known as tandem linkage, where the male grasps onto the back of the female’s head with a pincer at the end of his tail and fastens himself to her. If she accepts him, she’ll bring her tail up under his body to accept his sperm — still in midair, mind you. This is known as the wheel position. Although this ritual is quite violent, the dragonflies’ lengthy bodies will bend into the shape of a heart while they ravage each other, exemplifying love in its truest form. How romantic! They’re all a bunch of adrenaline junkies, aggressively wrestling and attempting to 69 while suspended in midair and I love that for them. What’s more, dragonflies are territorial to the point where a male will actually scoop out the erm… “leftovers” of the female’s previous suitor with his spoon-shaped genitals and replaces it with his own, guarding her until she lays her eggs, which guarantees his own progeny. Effective, if not possessive! They’re both lovers and fighters.
Honorary Unmentionables (Cannibalism Edition)
There were loads (heh) more insect facts that I didn’t have room to dedicate specific sections to, so I’ll cover my favorite cannibalism-related ones here. You’re probably aware of the widowing ways of female praying mantises, but did you know that their notorious habit of sexual cannibalism is far less common than most people believe? Only a few of the 180 species of mantis on earth are known to eat their mates, and this behavior only occurs around 18-20% of the time. Usually, it has nothing to do with the sex at all. It’s just because the female is hungry and the male is sitting there, vulnerable and delicious. At that point, can you really blame her? Also, mantises aren’t the only insects who engage in sexual cannibalism! Arachnids are fans of this practice too, with several species of spider such as black widows or orb-weaving spiders occasionally eating their partners after a particularly intense session of lovemaking. Word to the wise: be sure to keep snacks in the bedroom so your partner doesn’t get peckish enough to turn you into one.
The Last Six Legs
While it can be difficult to maintain a sexual spark in your relationships, be thankful that you don’t have to worry about any of the encounters described above — unless you happen to be a bug or you’re just really bad at having sex with normal people. Regardless, take the opportunity this month to appreciate your humanity and your partner(s) should you be lucky enough to have either! If you’re single and/or inhuman like myself, then I hope you learned some cool and slightly off-putting bug facts that you can use to scare women away at parties.
