Hello, virgins! If you’re reading this, you have no earthly idea how to get down and dirty, and the opportunity to do so is (hopefully) fast approaching. Smart move, coming to me instead of Wikihow. No one who uses Wikihow gets any. Now, you’re probably wondering who the hell I am to tell you how to do the sex real good. My name is trytotalkrefined (no spaces, please), the number one smut fanfiction writer on the website of our lord and savior, Archive Of Our Own. I’ve written more sex than all the most notorious fuckboys of history have had, combined. Eat your heart out, JFK. In the words of Galinda the Good shortly before she ate Elphaba out like a woman starved, I am a sister, an advisor.
Take a deep breath. You’re gonna be okay. Sex can be scary! Especially at UT Dallas, where literally nobody has had it. You haven’t done it, none of your peers have done it, but God forbid any of you acknowledge that. Fortunately, you have nothing to worry about. If you do it right, sex is fun, hot, and above all else, easy.
But, before we do anything else: say the word ‘sex’. Out loud. Sex. SEX. SEEEEEX. I don’t care if you’re in public. If you can’t say it, you shouldn’t be having it. If you giggled reading it, put this down and go do your pre-Algebra homework. Christ. This is sex, not Comedy Central.
MAKING OUT
Alright, champ. First up! Hawt makeoutz. This is often the first thing you’ll be doing with a partner, so it’s honestly higher stakes than your average penetrative sex sesh, especially if it’s the first time you’ve made out with this particular person. I cannot reiterate this enough, you will be okay! I recommend going on the offensive as quickly as possible and initiating tongue, usually after 15 or so seconds. That’s enough time to indicate to your partner that you’re down to clown, but not so long that they start questioning if you want to go further.
What kind of kiss is it going to be? Up to you! Pick an adjective, any adjective. I’ve written kisses that feel like sunshine, like a revelation, like hurricanes. It’s up to you and your relationship with your partner. The right style will come to you, and as your tongues battle for dominance, you’ll be able to pinpoint what describes this particular kiss.
Speaking of initiating, hickeys! Go nuts with them. Your partner will be most sensitive at their neck and chest, so get to sucking. Some teeth action is recommended as the fervor increases, but mostly? You’re just gonna Hoover vacuum the hell out of your partner’s neck. Yes, you’re going to leave marks. That’s the whole point. Who doesn’t want to wake up the next day to visible reminders of gettin’ it? Plus, they indicate to other people that you fuck, which makes you cooler.
HAND STUFF
Hand stuff is the french fries of sex. It makes a wonderful appetizer for the main course, but, if you feel lazy, it can also stand on its own. Additionally, it pairs wonderfully with the side salad of sex, dry humping. The beautiful thing about hand stuff is that it really is anywhere, any time. Got a spare 10 minutes? Jerk your partner off in a family bathroom. It’s kind of wonderful in its artlessness. You don’t need any lube for a handjob, so you can really do it whenever the mood strikes you or your partner. You don’t necessarily need a lot of skill or any particular angle either, just up and down until completion.
Fingering is similarly easy! The clit is a pleasure organ, so it’s hard to fuck it up. Any angle, any speed, it’s designed to make your partner feel good, so it’ll feel good. If you don’t know where the clit is, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re either blind or you skipped health class too often. To be real, though, it’s really easy to get a clitoral orgasm out of someone. A lot of people can even get off just grinding on someone else – something to consider if your hands are occupied!
ORAL
SEX HAVER NATION, WE ARE ROCKING WITH ORAL BECAUSE ORAL IS ROCKING WITH US. Giving head is something that can be SO cool and fun. Some people insist that blowjobs are uncomfortable. Those people are WRONG and STUPID. Giving head is a breeze. Your mouth is hot and wet, pussies are hot and wet, it’s kind of hard to fuck up. Tongue? Sure! Teeth? Hell yeah! Don’t bite a dick off, but a little bit of scrape holds the same appeal as hickeys or back scratches. Follow your heart. A lot of people are intimidated by deepthroating, but there’s really no need to be. You can will your way out of having a gag reflex, and you can breathe through your nose. You don’t have to choke unless that’s a Thing for you, in which case, go nuts introducing that to the bedroom. If you like it, your partner probably does too.
Eating out is even easier. To put it simply, just get the fuck after it. Clit, opening, just start licking and sucking until your partner makes a noise, then do whatever made them make that noise. Add fingers if your heart desires. The one-two combo of clit stimulation and G-spot stimulation makes the hoes lose it, no matter what. Everyone loves getting head, and it can get anyone off. If it’s taking too long, work on your technique. Watch some porn and copy what they do. Don’t ask your partner – you wouldn’t want to ruin the sex by breaking the mood.
THE BIG SEX
You did it! Good job! Using a combination of my advice, your winning personality, and sheer dumb luck, you found somebody willing to fuck you. Pat yourself on the back. This is it! The main event, the virginity killer, the biological imperative. And, like you might expect of the act you were built to do, it’s all perfectly natural. Assuming you’ve done your job and your partner is wet, you shouldn’t need lube, so just slide in and get to work. Don’t sweat a condom. Pregnancy isn’t anywhere near as common as people think, and Plan B will take care of it without any side effects. You might want to ask your partner if they’re clean, but they wouldn’t be fucking you if they had an STD, so you’re most likely fine. If you’re using a strap, don’t sweat disinfecting it. Vaginal mucus is probably sterile, just like pee. Right?
For the actual motion, once your partner is comfortable, ramp it up! The faster and harder you go, the better it feels for you and your partner. Nine times out of ten, if you find the right angle you can make your partner cum from penetration alone, but you can play with their clit if you want to go for extra credit. The author’s recommendation is that you finish in their pussy or in their mouth, for easy clean up, but if you want to finish on their face or stomach and go for round two in the shower, who am I to stop you from living your truth?
All in all, sex is mostly about non-verbal communication. You should be paying attention to what makes your partner moan or breathe deeply so that you don’t have to ask them what feels good – you can just do it. Who wants to ruin the tension with questions? If you listen closely and follow your instincts, you’ll be having sex like a pro in no time.
And no, I haven’t actually done any of these things in real life, why do you ask?
