Hi folks! A lot of people wonder how I stay peppy after each of my breakups from my myriad marriages. The answer to that is that I treat myself to a nicely-aged wedge of gouda and then cry myself to sleep for the next week. Apparently, this technique doesn’t work for most people. I can’t really understand why, but I guess that means that we’ll have to take a more individual approach. You guys sent me your breakup stories, and I’ll try to lessen the heartache by telling stories of my own. After all, the best way to deal with a wound is to claw at it until you can no longer feel the pain. Let’s get started!
My ex stalked me on Reddit.com.
This actually happened to me a couple years back. I used to be a prolific poster on r/Cheese, posting the newest luxury cheeses that I had spent all of my money to procure. Unfortunately, my then-ratwife found my account and started yelling at me, something about needing to buy food for my 27 children. Women, am I right?
I fist-fought my ex behind a Chevron (while dating) and lost.
I would try and empathize with you, but I’m disappointed. I have won every fight I’ve ever fought. I got in the trenches to fight my exes during WWI. I stormed Normandy to defeat my exes in WWII. I even picked up the spear to fight my ex in the Second Punic War. And to lose behind a Chevron, the coliseum of the 21st century… unbelievable.
I e-dated an ex-terrorist who is not welcome in parts of Belfast.
Oop, I think this one might be talking about me! When I was a younger rat, I felt solidarity with the Irish cause and joined the IRA (Irish Rat Army). I was madly in love with the indomitable Irish spirit. Unfortunately, the Irish spirit did not feel the same. After an awkward situationship, they made it clear that if I ever set foot in Ireland again, I would burst into flames. Never date concepts, kids.
I once got bullied by multiple girlfriends simultaneously.
A similar sort of thing happened when I joined the Amorphous Horde of Rats. We, thousands of rats in a hard-to-explain amorous situation, would pulse around the globe conquering wherever we happened upon. After a while, I told them that I wanted something a little more than constant conquest. They made fun of me and accused me of trying to break apart the group. They eventually ejected me into UTD, where I found AMP. Things do get better!
I’ve always wanted an ex, but I’ve been afraid of dating—until now. Ratford, will you date/dump me?
Oh buddy, you shouldn’t have me as your first love! You deserve to have someone your own age to fall in love and subsequently break up with. It can be tough, but I believe in you! Also, I am currently dating your mother.
