Disclaimer: This article contains mentions of sexual assault and depictions of religious extremism. Please read at your own discretion.
Hey girlies! I hope that everyone’s been doing all their weekly thoughts and prayers since I last wrote! This month, since we’re all preparing for the day of love, I have a special treat for my ladies out there. We’re going to be going through a few little tips on how to please your man His way, with backings straight from the Lord’s word. If there’s one thing all cultures can agree on, it’s that men are above women in every aspect of a relationship, and today we’ll be learning how to let the man in your life live to his godly potential.
Tip #1: Get Your Man!
Starting with the basics, how are you, a Good Virgin™, supposed to get hitched in a world with so many ungodly men? Well, this is made clear for us in Deuteronomy 22:23-29. As long as you aren’t engaged to be married to a man already, all you have to do is wait around in a city until a man decides that he’d like to violate your body! Yes, allowing him to rape you, especially without screaming for help, is a sin for both him and you (and you should both be stoned to death if you are engaged when committing it), but He will forgive you so long as the man pays your father money, and then marries you. Alternatively, if you live in a warzone, you can wait for a man to take you home as a spoil of war. So long as he shaves your head and trims your nails, he can marry you after a month of you mourning your now dead parents. Now ladies, you can go out and get a good husband with the same godly values as yourself!
Tip #2: Know Your Place, Submit Entirely!
As I’m sure you already know, once your man has blessed you with his marriage, it is your job to submit to him, and to dedicate your entire life to pleasing him! As is said in Ephesians 5:22-23, you must treat your husband as if he is your own personal God, worshipping and serving him, as he is the head of your household. After all, the fall of humanity from Eden was due to Eve’s disobedience of her husband, choosing to partake in the Fruit. If she had been a more respectful wife, all of humanity would be in paradise already, which is why it is so important for you to be subservient! We must repent for the actions of our mother. It is your divinely ordained duty to be a doting wife and mother.
Just as a good wife submits in the home, she also submits in other areas of life. Women are intended to care for the home, and to not hold jobs outside of it, especially ones which hold power over men. This is particularly true of jobs in the church, as made clear in Corinthians 14:34-35, which tells us that the Lord does not permit us to even speak in the church! In addition, even gossipping with other women is inherently sinful, as explained in 1 Timothy 13-15. We must only speak when in the home, and only in the form of seeking enlightenment from our husbands, as it is wrong of us to speak down to our superiors. A man’s position is to tell us women exactly what to know and how to live, and our position as good, godly women is to not question their word in the slightest.
Tip #3: Fix Those Nasty Periods!
Possibly the most undesirable trait in a wife, other than having any sort of authority over anybody else, is bleeding when you could be pleasing your husband. The Bible makes it clear to us, such as in Leviticus 15:19-23, that we are unclean when on our periods, and should never be touched by a man during this time, or even come into contact with something that he’s also going to touch. Some women expect pleasure from their husbands during their periods, claiming that sex will help with their cramps. This may be true, as sins of the flesh often feel fantastic, but we must never do this, so as to not infect our husbands with our own impurity! The same is true about our post-birth impurity, as giving birth to your husband’s child is the least you can do for him, and it makes you too impure to be touched. Unfortunately, these brief periods of impurity may leave many husbands feeling dissatisfied with us, as they should.
Luckily, there’s a solution, and it’s called polygamy. Allowing your man to have another wife, or even several other wives, can be a much-needed outlet for him. While sleeping with more than one man makes you into a sinful whore, it is well-established that men have every right to sleep with, or even marry, several women. Esau had three or more wives mentioned by name, and Gideon had several wives, with seventy sons in total birthed among them, as well as at least one concubine. King Solomon, one of the wisest and most godly people in the Bible, is stated directly in 1 King 11 to have seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. This is shown to be an issue, although not due to the sheer number of women he would have sex with, but the fact that many of them were from different cultures, corrupting his heart with their pagan religions. The story of Solomon clearly implies that polygamy is acceptable under the Lord, so long as all of a man’s wives also follow His word. So, if your man needs to relieve himself while you’re in your unclean periods, just go and find yourself a sister wife to take care of him! God will be happy.
As you girls can see, we as females must move back to the traditional values taught to us by our Lord. Our modern society is highly sinful in almost all aspects, but with the three tips I have laid out for y’all here, you should be able to land and keep a good, God-fearing man with ease. You must please our Lord Christ by pleasing your husband, at all costs. Good luck to all my readers out there, make sure that you always listen, obey, and pray, and above all, never think for yourself.
