Hello all you ratfans! Many of you fellows think I’m some type of old kooky rat that doesn’t know anything about anything. To quote one of your silly little me-mes, “all Rat know is eat cheese, scurry around, and lie.” Which isn’t untrue, I do quite enjoy a bit of gouda — okay a LOT of gouda. But I am not a liar or a scurrier. In fact, I’m quite intelligent in my choice of movement, and in all aspects of my life. With age comes wisdom and experience, and I have that in spades! That’s why I asked you all to send me all your problems and I’ll prove just how smart I am by solving them. Let us begin!
A car powered by flowing water!
Now this is actually a really easy one, in fact I helped Einstein or whatever his name was with this problem back in 1867. All you need to do is remove the motor of the car with the demotorizer thingamajig and replace it with a flowing river and a water mill, and it’ll work perfectly. Try it out a home and make sure NOT to wear goggles — they just obscure your vision.
Me, Ratford is fixing me
I’m not sure what’s wrong with you since I don’t know you. But, considering you go to this school, there’s a 90% chance you’re a comp sci student; in that case, you need a very long shower, a 7$ stick of deodorant, and repeat that every day.
He should make the res hall bunnies a house
I DID MAKE THE RES HALL BUNNIES A HOUSE! I made 5 in fact, all beautiful structures standing high and tall, with nice compact apartments for each one. They had 3 rooms each with bathrooms and stuff! And then a bunch of humans decided to move in instead. To this day it infuriates me, but one day I help the bunnies overthrow those brats so they can reclaim their rightful homes! Viva la Bunny!
My relationship with my father. This is your daughter, Bratford. Come home, we miss you.
I don’t recall having a daughter named Bratford… to be fair, I don’t recall having most of my children. But I gotta say the easiest way to fix this is similar to most
problems: ignore them! I’ve ignored most of my children and they turned out alright, so you’ll be fine, Bratford. Tell your mother (whoever she is) I said hi!
Ratford, please fix my erectile dysfunction.
Genuinely, just stop gooning, or edging, or jaking it, or whatever you youngsters call it these days. Maybe go talk to an actual woman for once. Then again, you attend this school, so I can understand if this is a Herculean task for you.
My life
I bet you’re expecting me to say that I can’t help you if I don’t know who you are, but surprisingly I DO know who you are. I’ll keep your name private for your sake, of course, but really the best way you can fix your life is to stop gooning to Fortnite characters — that is wildly inappropriate and will ruin your relationships. Also, brush your teeth at night.
