Dia duit to all of my fellow Irish folk (both physically and spiritually)! During the month of St. Patrick’s Day, I notice a lot more engagement on my various social media pages since I’m the Greatest Authority on All Things Ireland. And really, who can blame them? I boast a plethora of information on all my social media pages which comes from highly reputable sources. And there’s no denying it: Ireland is hot. Ireland is in. The people are starting to finally understand what we Irish intellectuals have known this whole time: erin go bragh! (That means ‘Ireland forever’. At least, that’s what gaelicmadeeasy.com/totallynotascam told me.) There are so many things to love about Ireland, so what better place to start off than talking about the landscape?
Ireland is the most beautiful place in Europe — no, the whole world. And before you skeptics ask: “Well, what about Korea? Or Japan?” All I can do is scoff. I’m not an orientalist. I refuse to perpetuate untrue notions about a country and its people because my own life is so wildly uninteresting, at the expense of the livelihoods of an entire populace. Besides, how can Asia be that great if all the rain in Ireland is actually Mother Nature’s tears falling from the overwhelming pride she has in such a great country? How come no one actually dies in Ireland, and instead people just turn into leprechauns when they turn 70 years old? Checkmate, normie. Anybody who knows anything about anything knows that Ireland is completely romantic and nothing bad has ever happened there, ever. In fact, when every Irish person turns 17 years old, they must undergo a 10 year long, mournfully beautiful situationship. This beautiful culture and landscape, free from any violence, is what makes me so proud to call myself an IRA-a-boo. (I’m told by people it stands for Irish Republican Army, which is probably from a book or something.)
The IRA-a-boo space is normally a closed off one, but in the spirit of True Irish Generosity, I extend to you all an invitation to join me in being an IRA-a-boo. Not only can you claim the landscape and customs of the only valid Northern European nation, you can also take pride in the people. Irish people are a Godsend. Irish people are on a whole other plane of existence, guys. They’re living in the future. They gave us the ability to photograph things in color. They’re the reason that we do, in fact, know Mandinka. Obviously, to perpetuate such greatness and achieve IRA-a-boo nirvana, you need to start dyeing your hair red and eating shepherd’s pie. It also doesn’t hurt to bleach your skin and tattoo freckles all over your body. Why would it? I’m sure if an actual Irish person saw you, they’d definitely appreciate the love you have for the culture. Trust me: if anyone’s the expert on Irish culture, it’s definitely me. And like, the wonderful thing about Irish people is that they all look the same, so would they really even be able to tell the difference?
Surely now you’re thinking: Wow! Irish people are so cool! I wonder if Irish celebrities are also this great? Oh, you IRA-a-boo to be, they’re even better. Irish music might as well be from the year 3000. Have you ever heard of Hozier? Skeptics like to say that he’s just a guy from Ireland that has impressive song-writing capabilities, but as we’ve established, Irish people aren’t people. They’re beyond that. I’ve been to three of his concerts and I know the truth: Hozier is actually a woodland elf who can capture the magic of the soft flow of the sweetest waterfalls. He can never do anything wrong or ever write a bad song, and it’s really all because he won the genetic lottery by being born in the blessed nation of Ireland. Not to mention, how can we talk about Irish musicians without talking about Sinead O’Connor, one of the greatest musicians to ever live? I don’t really know what she’s talking about in a lot of her songs, and I do think she was out of line for ripping up that picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live, but she’s Irish, so it was probably warranted in some way or another. They hate the British for whatever reason, so I think it has something to do with that.
It’s not only the musicians that are incredible — the actors are as well. Consider the greats: Paul Mescal is divine, Andrew Scott is compelling, Colin Farell is charming, Cillian Murphy is iconic, and Barry Keoghan is also Irish. They’re all so depressingly sexy in a way that is refreshing, so it’s not annoying for me to deal with at all. I’m sure all of these men have nothing wrong with them whatsoever. Say it with me guys: there is no such thing as a bad Irish person, you silly goose!
Another great bonus of being an IRA-a-boo is immersing yourself in the language. The Irish language is soooo #Sexy, the erotica of all languages — which according to the admins in the RCTI (Race Change To Irish) Discord server, is acceptable for me to say so long as I provide the context that my great, great, great, great grandmother was actually a Celtic princess! It’s true! We even have a castle in Cork. Sure, the last person who told me this was my 94 year old grandmother with severe dementia, but I’m sure she remembers this specifically.
To reclaim my Irish royal lineage and really turn up the charm factor in my personal life, I’ve been using Duolingo. I’m on day 135 of my streak, and I have to say that I’m basically fluent. Allow me to seduce you with my fluency: pas dom an t-uisce agus an t-arán. That means, “Hello, you look beautiful today.” It’s been working really well for me in terms of the dating scene. I’m using a VPN on my phone that makes it look like I’m based in Dublin, and I’ve been talking to this guy named Seamus. He’s really into me and keeps asking when we’ll meet because “we’re only five minutes away from each other” and “it’s been really hard for me to find a connection with someone since I lost my wife and kids in a horrific car accident.” Total DILF vibes! Sure, he cries a lot whenever we call and goes on about “how [I] sound just like her, God Siobhan, why,” but it’ll be great. We’re going to have an incredibly thrilling romance together; the grieving thing is just a part of who they are.
Obviously my incredible rhetoric, which is based on irrefutable truth, has charmed you into converting to the IRA-a-boo lifestyle. If so, welcome cairde eile! We have “Guiness” and “Derry Girls” reruns to your heart’s content. And since we are now friends and spiritual Irish brethren, I implore you to donate to my GoFundMe for both the trip expenses and funding for the highly experimental surgery that will inject Irish DNA into my body so I’ll look even more like my photos on my dating profile. It’s the New ThingTM in the plastic surgery world. After all, once you go Irish, you’ll always be stylish.
