If you’re reading this, it’s clear what you’re looking for. You want to cause some inconveniences, one might even say some mayhem for the fine folks of this university. Well, you’ve come to the right place. See, I was once like you — an innocent Computer Science freshman taking his first steps into university life, enthralled by the magnificence of learning and research… but my spirit was broken after I inhaled too many accursed fumes from ECS South, fundamentally altering my brain chemistry. But those fumes were a blessing. They opened my eyes and made me realize what my true purpose was. So I did it. I did something so heinous, so despicable, that even I dare not say it aloud. Ever since then, I’ve been here, rotting in this cell. But that doesn’t mean they can silence me! On the contrary, I will make myself heard to all you dear readers! I hope that by reading this guide, you too will have your eyes opened as I once did, and when that happens, you can cause chaos throughout this miserable campus! Or at the very least, blow up ECS South.
STEP ONE: STABBING!
Starting off nice and easy, we have our first crime: the art of stabbing an innocent person! Many Comets have historically practiced this throughout UTD history, but this fun little activity is also going to be the hardest, especially for all of you CS nerds out there. The reason I say this is because to do this step perfectly, you’ll need to secure a date! So make sure to take your yearly showers and apply some deodorant, because it’s the only hope you’ll have. After you miraculously get some poor soul to go out with you, you’ll just have to lure them into your humble abode where you’ll stab them — non-lethally (this is a guide to committing funny little crimes, not murder). Once you do this and get arrested, you can get bailed out, and that’s when the real fun starts — it’s time for you to write a book about the whole thing! How you choose to describe it is up to you. Personally, I described my experience with a very comedic and light-hearted tone, but I’ve seen some pull off a somber tone with notes of eroticism. Bonus points for any of you guys that decide to start a modeling career after this!
STEP TWO: ANIMAL ABUSE
The next part of the list is what separates the wannabes from the real deal. In fact, most people who follow my guide will stop here because they don’t have what it takes to harm an innocent creature, which is understandable, to be fair. I’m not a huge fan of it either, despite what you might believe — I only do it because I have to. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be considered as ruthless or unfeeling, the true mark of a UTD master criminal. Now, I’m not gonna get into the nitty gritty of animal abuse. The dark web does exist for all you MONSTERS that want to learn more — but I will issue a warning. If you choose to go through with this, your social life will probably be ruined and people will look at you in disgust as you pass them on the street. They’ll also probably spit on you. The birds will make sure to shit on you from the sky — even if you’re indoors. You’ll become a social pariah, and really the only people who’ll want to be your friends will either be sociopaths, psychopaths, or insanely oblivious. But hey, no one ever said it’s easy being evil, otherwise everyone would do it.
STEP THREE: CREATING A BLACK MARKET
This is where the path will diverge for most of you — you’ll have to decide what type of criminal you want to be. This section is for all you guys that are interested in being a more traditional type of criminal… a crime boss! Well, a really watered-down and lame crime boss, but a crime boss nevertheless. To do this, you’ll need to create your own online black market! Or a real black market, but this is UTD we’re talking about, so we might as well forget it. You guys are basically all weird CS nerds anyways, so you can just write code for a black market to sell illegal items like infant organs and Siberian wolves. If you haven’t started writing your code yet, get to it! Not everyone can be the best online crime boss.
STEP FOUR: PEACEFUL PROTEST
For all of you truly devious criminals at UTD, instead of doing something basic like creating a black market, you can do something truly wicked — or at least wicked in the eyes of the UTD administration. Simply put, all you have to do is attend a protest in support of a cause. Honestly it doesn’t matter which protest you attend or what you believe in as long as you’re there. One way or another, the admin will get upset with you, which will inevitably lead to your arrest and confinement in a jail cell. Is this super unfair and a clear violation of the first amendment right to peaceful assembly? Absolutely, but it’ll still land you in the slammer and label you as a criminal, so I’d say it counts!
STEP FIVE: YOUR TURN!
Now that you’ve finished every other step on this list, there’s only one thing left for you to do as an official criminal: try out some new illegal stuff on your own! Seriously! I can’t teach you forever, that’d just be lame. It’s time for you guys to try some new crimes — like, say, arson or insider trading — things other UTD students have never done! I hope that one day, once you’ve made a name for yourself as a UTD Criminal™, you’ll end up here in this jail cell with me so that I can tell you all about how that stupid Instagram page kept posting pictures of me cooming across campus.
