I believe it was the great man Austin Texas, founder of Texas, that once famously stated, “Build houses? Naaaaw.” Unfortunately, I am horrified every year as my inbox is flooded with confused students asking why they cannot live on campus. It’s disgusting enough that those slimy pig gremlins want to walk the same sidewalks as me, but to live…in a building? That’s too far. Thankfully, with the completion of The LANding Zone (clever pun, eh?), we have another opportunity to further guide our campus closer to replicating hell on Earth.
The future demands different and, so, we must build a campus that is truly different. That’s what the D in UTD stands for by the way. Below, I have laid forth several key proposals for the construction of new buildings. During these hard times, we must do what we have always done: waste millions of dollars and block off as many sidewalks as humanly possible.
Perpetual Parking Structure
As I was walking twenty minutes from my car to my office the other day, I realized that there weren’t enough parking spots on campus. And I don’t mean open parking spots: I mean blocked-off spots. It’s just not enough of an inconvenience to close half the campus to build more spots because, sadly, those spots will eventually open back up. I think building new spaces is marvelous, but I take personal offense to the opening of those spaces. Instead of these temporary projects, let’s undergo a perpetual stacking of layers onto existing garages, promising students a glimmer of hope that they can one day use them, and then we simply claim no one can park anywhere near it due to construction concerns. It fulfills all our quotas. Eight hundred thousand square feet of concrete: check. Pretending to solve an issue: of course. Gaslighting the student body: you best believe it, girlboss.
Dining Hall Wild West (DHWW)
I know many fellow admin thought it was funny enough making a Dining Hall West with no other dining hall option available, making the “West” useless, but hear me out. This brand new dining hall will be located conveniently three miles west of campus accessible only by crossing a total of thirty-two lanes of traffic. While location and lack of accessibility are set in stone, the dining department asked for control over all restaurants inside. I wasn’t sure at first, but over time I came to realize that this is the perfect method of maximizing profit and suffering. The meal swipes will work, but you’ll have to pay extra for a bun or a fork. It will be open for a total of four hours between three and seven AM. Also, it’s just Arby’s but like…for every restaurant. St-Arb-ucks will sell a “Meat Mocha,” Burg-Arby King offers “Just a Bag of Pig Noses,” Olive G-Arb-den serves “Spaghetti and Weirdly Pink Meatballs,” and Arby’s follows the DHW tradition of selling “Shit.” Also, also, it’s all gonna have a cute Manifest Destiny theme for fun!
The Alamo
So that students never forget it.
One-to-One Life-Size Replica of the Twin Towers
Likewise.
Engineering and Computer Science Wets (ECSW)
As much as I love sniffing children, I do have to say that even I cannot stand how atrocious some of these young ones are smelling nowadays. To you, my fellow children-sniffing colleagues, I present: a water park disguised as a computer science building. Thankfully, this location is large enough to replace about eight phases of University Village. And don’t worry, faculty members — it’ll be complete with more astroturf to save our precious students from touching any of that dangerous grass. I truly think that, completely for the students’ sake, we need a lazy river. They would really benefit from a secluded VIP section for administration too. And a sauna.
Just a Literal Casino
I am not a gambling man. I am merely a humble UTD administrator, yet even I can recognize the sheer lack of chronic addicts on campus — besides addicts looking for the rush of not showering for weeks. Where there is suffering, there is profit. Forget the housing lottery. Just let kids gamble on other students for their tuition payments! Imagine hitting a four-way parlay based on how many hours it will take for a row of students to quit playing Valorant. Exhilarating. I want over-unders on how many times computer science majors use ChatGPT, slots where the jackpot gets hit if anyone at this school gets a date, and a craps table where you roll actual students instead of dice. Best of all — we’ll spam the alumni’s email dozens of times a week to get them to send over some cash. God, I love donations. That’s what the D in UTD stands for, by the way.
Lockheed Martin Food Delivery Hub
I’ll be honest: this one was not my idea. My old friend at Lockheed Martin handed me forty stacks of unmarked bills one day with this blueprint, winked at me, and skipped out of my office while emptying a magazine into the sky. All he asked was that we set loose some new food robots in the Chess Plaza. I’m sure there’s no ulterior motives or anything, so this one should be all good to go. I can see nothing possibly going wrong with a large military presence on campus.
Student Tower against Depression (STD)
I do honestly have to have a heart for these kids at some point. We’ve really dealt them a bad hand. Intentionally. But even then, I feel we owe them something. This building will fill a small part of the massive, gaping hole right where my heart was surgically removed when I became a UTD administrator. Located conveniently where the Plinth currently resides, there shall stand a fifty-seven (it’s the number of Heinz varieties) story tower that students may go — for free — to the top and be gently shoved off by one of the dozens of international student employees that have no choice but to work for pennies or be deported. People have been begging to literally kill themselves for decades and this will be the first and last time I ever listen to anything the student body asks for. Finally, a place to affordably, directly, and quickly get thousands of students to die. That’s what the D in UTD stands for by the way.
