My dear comet children,
Happy April! I’m sure you’re all busy with studying and whatnot, but I’ve heard that some of you, at some point during the month, will take a quick break to touch grass and hunt for eggs outside. I’m a little surprised the prospect of free eggs is what finally did it – but who could blame you in this economy? Really, I’m just glad you’ll touch some grass. I hope those of you who participate have fun, but I will sadly not be joining you. This may surprise you, but I actually have a longstanding rivalry with the Easter Bunny.
What do you have against bunnies?
I love bunnies! That’s actually the point. I built the res hall bunnies five beautiful houses, but when the freshmen moved in and the bunnies were in their moment of need, where was the Easter Bunny? Nowhere! He doesn’t care for the community. Additionally, he perpetuates and profits from the idea that bunnies are easy and cute animals to take care of, leading to a bunch of Easter adoptions and post-Easter surrenders. Is that good for bunnies?
Even so, you have so much in common!
No????? Sure, we’re both famous small critters, but that’s about where that ends. I came up from literally nothing and have built myself up over the eons. He walked onto the scene in the 18th century and was an immediate looks hire. I have a refined palette for cheese developed over centuries of sampling, he still has a child’s taste for chocolate and jellybeans. And he only has a dozen ex-wives! Rookie numbers.
Dude, you sound parasocial.
On the contrary! I actually had the displeasure of meeting him once at the Met Gala. As we were dining and making merry he kept complaining that his entrée, a single quarter wedge of lettuce, was “bland”. Some people just can’t appreciate the beauty of unprocessed food, SMH. And besides, they gave me some absolutely divine cheese popcorn, so I’m sure his food couldn’t actually have been all that bad.
You were at the Met Gala?
Well, it might have been a UTD banquet, but the point stands. Anyways, we ended up talking later and dear God he just yaps about himself and his stupid mascot gig he has because of his stupid pretty eyes and stupid soft fur and stupid – I had to actually work for my position, you know! And apparently the whole thing is “hard on [him]” and he really “needs a friend who gets it.” Honestly, the whole midnight walk we went on after the dinner was such a snoozefest. Which is why I fell asleep on his… couch… the minute we got back to his apartment afterwards.
You what?
As I said, such a snoozefest. And for whatever friendship I thought we had, he hasn’t even talked to me since! Not that I care, of course; us doing breakfast together the morning after was just so I could show off my famed pancake-making skills. He didn’t even give me his number, so clearly it wasn’t that serious.
Actually, it looks like this piece of mail was from him. Looks hand-written, too.
It doesn’t matter. He’s missed his chance, and I, I… look, I have ex-wives to ignore.
…*opens the letter*
