As a supernatural poltergeist that haunts the halls of Hoblitzelle… well, Hall, I’ve been taking an interest in what kids these days call “horror”. Now, me being an evil, demented demon of darkness, horror is normal to me — just a glimpse into my dark messed up mind. In fact, you little boys and girls don’t even KNOW what true horror is, what it means to be afraid and vulnerable. You guys think “Nosferatu” was scary? To me, that movie was a kids show! I’ll give you real horror, if you think you can handle it. Come and hear the horrifying tales of the dastardly and depraved, a set of most disgusting and horrific people to ever exist, a group of people so uncaring, so selfish as to disregard the safety of those around them. And the worst part? They live amongst us, wearing the flesh of your fellow classmates and students… these are the stories of YOUR TERRIBLE ROOMMATES!
THE BRAIN EATING BACTERIA… FROM THE SINK!
This first tale begins like many others — a group of unlikely associates come together, forced to dwell with each other by decree of the university’s housing system. At first, these fellows get along well. They speak to each other and create a chore chart. The business analytics major vacuums, finding ample time to do it with his light workload, the ATEC major, despite spending his nights toiling away at his computer, manages to wipe down the surfaces at least once a week, and the Actuarial Sciences major can still manage to take out the trash before it overflows. The comp sci major, however… he did his best — for a while. But the grind of the semester began to take its toll on him. The other roommates were too busy animating, partying, or doing math to notice, but eventually, the tower of unwashed dishes soon stood as tall as LeBron Raymone James and slanted harder than the Leaning Tower Of Pisa. Before semester’s end, one brave student decided to take the plunge, standing tall before him was the tower of dishes, almost glowing with some type of unknown substance… and as he plunged his hand into the pile he felt something… moving. He looked down to see a slimy green substance crawling up into an open wound on his arm. He shook as they entered his bloodstream and everything went dark. He awoke on his bed, sitting up to rub his eyes. He decided it was just a dream and he went about his day, but something lingered in the back of his mind, some odd desire to play League of Legends. It only grew and grew until it consumed him whole, taking up all the brainspace he had and devouring his hopes and dreams, leaving him a hopeless League-addicted husk of the man he once was. Some say he’s still there in his room to this day — playing League and hard stuck in silver, I hope for his sake he’s moved on from this mortal plane.
THE TOILET GHOSTS OF THE RESIDENT HALLS!
Many of you may have heard of the Korean toilet ghost, also known as Cheuksin. They’re long-haired, vengeful creatures that, of course, live in a toilet. These creatures are notorious for inhabiting the dorm toilets, well known for their powerful, almost violent, flushing. Many believe this to be a plumbing issue; perhaps they’re engineered to be so strong so as to suction in any and all excrement the way a black hole sucks in everything short of your mother. But that’s not the truth. The truth is that those toilets are inhabited by Cheuksin… and boy are they really, REALLY angry about the freshmen using them. In fact, that’s what leads to the ground-shaking flushing that the toilets produce, it’s the Cheuksin’s way of screaming at the residents to stop using the toilet. But sometimes, the ghosts get a little extra quirky at night, and this story is about one ghost that got so quirky they just decided that they were literally done taking any shit.
So, the next time that ghost’s poor unsuspecting resident went to the potty palace, she decided to leave a message, one that couldn’t be ignored — she violently flushed as hard as she could, flinging the mess every which way, leaving a truly stomach curdling sight! Except, as soon as this happened, the resident was already out of the room and playing
“Balatro” in his damp bedroom. This was understandably not the reaction she had hoped for, but the next day the bathroom was not cleaned up, so she decided she had no choice but to try again! Only for the whole process to repeat. After three days, the room was unrecognizable, and even she, the toilet ghost, could no longer bear the sight of it. She simply accepted the fact she wouldn’t be heard. And so she cleaned up the bathroom, and returned to her old submissive ways of violently flushing down all excrement. The true horror of this story was how it feels to be ignored and unheard.
THE SNAKEMEN THAT LIVE WITHIN HUMAN SKINSUITS…?
Now you might be confused as to what this could possibly mean — but these are the worst and most horrifying things you may encounter here in your time living on campus. Whether it’s Northside, University Village, Canyon Creek, or even off campus, these are creatures that could be anyone you live with. They’ve infected many unsuspecting roommates, turning them into selfish cretins. Simply put, once they’re taken, they become snakes, and the worst part? These are usually your friends that you’ve decided to room with — otherwise there’d be no use in taking them over, because then they can’t laugh in your face and derive pleasure from it. Whether it be taking your food, your money, or anything else you find valuable, they’ll do it with a smile on their face and they’ll stare straight at you with soulless eyes, convincing you that they’re still your friend.
These other tales…. Perhaps they’re a little embellished, or perhaps they’re not really real at all,
it’s hard to say what stories are true after a few decades. But if there’s any story you should believe in, it’s this one. After all, it’s never unreasonable to think your enemies may be closer than you think.
On another note, take the time to thank your kinder roommates. The ones that take out the trash on time, the ones that do the dishes and clean the bathroom even though it’s a pain in the ass. They make life just a little better for all of us and show that being a good person might not be that hard after all. Maybe living with 3 other guys all the time isn’t so horrifying — give it a chance.
