The following images are screenshots from the group chat of several top right-wing officials. These texts, and much more, were leaked when National Security Advisor Mike Tango mistakenly added a reporter from a world-famous news publication, The Retrograde, to the group chat. The chats contain instances of the leaders discussing explicit details of important military operations in the Middle East. This massive oversight has evolved into a scandal of impressive scale, and has many calling for the removal of these officials, or even the impeachment of the president who appointed them. Whether or not any laws have been broken by sharing these classified plans on a highly insecure texting app is yet to be determined, but they’re politicians, so the public can rest knowing that there will be zero consequences for their irresponsible actions.
Mikey has added you and 19 others to a group chat!
Mikey:
Hey boys! I was hoping we could talk about smth
Marco:
Yeah ofc man, what’s up?
Mikey:
Well u know those arabs we’ve been talking about? The ones in Yoman or wtv
Johnny:
Yeah bro, them Hooters have really been a pain in the ass
Mikey:
Exactly! I was thinking we could like, you know?… 🔫
JD:
😉😉
Pete:
I think that what JD is trying to say is: yea, were already taking care of it
Scooter:
what’s the plan? i need to make a budget for it so doge won’t eat my ass
Pete:
We’re going to HIT THEM right where it HURTS
Johnny:
Yes, their balls are perfect
Johnny:
Perfect to kick! I meant perfect to kick.
Marco:
GAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
JD:
🏳️🌈️🔥
Scooter:
lmao u going gay on us Johnny?
Johnny:
Go shit urselfs
Pete:
Yea so we anyways, need to send strikes to these exact coordinates in the next few hours:
-33°12’39.161”N 96°43’27.407”W
-33°10’12.864”N 96°53’51.27”W
-32°33’47.73”N 97°19’20.546”W
-32°55’38.055”N 97°5’14.95”W
Johnny:
cool ill make it happen bro
A few minutes later
JD:
Sorry I was only using emojis guys, I couldn’t talk much cuz I was in a meating with Elon
JD:
Its our weekly thing wear he bends me over and makes me say pwease, and then he gives me a spanking and puts things in my butt
JD:
So n e wayz we should probably prioritize protecting our control over foreign oil that we frequently let thousands of our own people die to maintain
Pete:
I fully share your love of being dicked down by President Musk. My appointments are usually on Fridays though, since there’s only so much of him to go around.
Pete:
I agree about the oil too, obv. Johnny, can you send some F-18s and MQ-9s to a few random civilian population centers for me?
Johnny:
NP dawg, theyre gonna be out soon
Pete:
Godspeed to our beautiful warriors
JD:
Ill be praying for our troops and their safe return 👊🇺🇸🦅
A few hours pass
Pete:
DAMMIT
Scooter:
whats up pete
Pete:
The strikes only killed a few hundred of them
Scooter:
i mean that sounds pretty good idk why ur upset abt it
Pete:
That isnt enough bro
Pete:
Most of them werent even civilians like we had planned
Johnny:
Ok so we should get some more strikes down there now then
Pete:
The strikes arent doing enough dude, we need to go bigger
Mikey:
Wdym bigger?
Pete:
I need at least 3 ballistic missiles right now
Johnny:
ily man, but I think that nukes are too much for such a small enemy
Pete:
I’m telling you bro, its the only way we r gonna get rid of em fully
Marco:
I think Pete has a point. I bet the launch codes are in Donnie’s desk somewhere
Marco:
JD, can you do smth for us?
JD:
If you say pwease
Pete:
Pwetty pwease, go into Donnie’s desk and look for a paper called “nuclear ICBM launch codes”
JD:
With cherrys on top?
Pete:
🍒🍒🍒
JD:
yea sure
A few minutes later
JD:
ok I have 3 codes
Pete:
What r they?
JD:
Sleepy_Joe_ChocChocChip
JD:
Jan.6.INSIDEJOB;Deepstate
JD:
!ComradeKamala1!
Pete:
Thanks buddy, I’ll get you a lollipop next time I see u
JD:
YAY!!!
Mikey:
Hey guys?…
Pete:
Sup dude?
Mikey:
I think I may have made a mistake when I made the gc..
You have been removed from the group chat.
