Hello Texas, Greg Abbott here. In these trying times, God-fearing Texans are struggling to scrape by while fending off woke attacks from every angle. Yet another attack on our way of life occurred last month when woke Islamists attempted to establish Sharia law in the DFW area by creating their own little town. They planned on building evil housing, evil schools, and an evil mosque, the worst kind of mosque. Did you know that Islam has a large black cube, as opposed to most democracy-abiding major world religions which have none at all? It’s only a matter of time before these radicals begin building their cubes here in Texas, something we must work to prevent to save the western world. I’ve already taken action to revoke their construction permits and their ability to bury their dead, but the spiritual disturbance remains. According to my spiritual advisor’s conversation with the little baby angels flying in from Africa, Islam and Wokeism have begun syncretizing to create a horrifying new threat that we have dubbed “Islamismism.” Under my orders, The Texas Rangers have discovered the source of this “Islamismism” — The University of Texas at Dallas.
UTD is a poorly disguised sham of a college. Despite being listed as the dedicated public university for one of Texas’ largest regions, the school has no football team — clearly a ploy by Islamismists to avoid touching pigskins. One of the most popular dining locations at this university is known as “The Halal Shack.” This restaurant, which openly follows Sharia food laws, seems to be the beating heart of Islamismism at the university. The presence of this dining institution has caused the university to amass an above-average population of Islamismists, which eventually led to an anti-Semitic encampment in support of Hamas and their evil terrorism facilities disguised as hospitals and kindergartens. Thankfully, the uprising was quickly silenced by our courageous state troopers who risked their lives to arrest students and flip over trays of rice before it was too late. A large proportion of the student body appears to be both liberal and in support of the Islamismists’ anti-Semitic actions — leading to the production of hundreds of new Islamismists. We must take the initiative to curb the dissemination of Islamismism by dismantling the Sharia Shack.
I have already taken the first step to destroy the Sharia Shack by sending undercover Texas Rangers to make changes to the Islamismist institution and destroy the community’s trust in it. The agents have managed to introduce measures that reduce the portion sizes and options available to patrons of the restaurant, even implementing absurd rules such as forcing customers to pick between lettuce and spinach for a meal that is supposedly worth around $15. Just these changes alone have had incredible efficacy in discrediting the Sharia Shack and damaging Islamismism. Now that they’re on the ropes, we must begin tearing them apart. Operation Haram Shack is a go.
It is up to us to uphold America’s underlying values. And the only way to do that is by destroying someone else’s. At the Haram Shack, students can enjoy pork with a side of premarital sex. The meal exchange still won’t give you water, but we will give you the option to fill your soda cups with the spirits of your choice (which comes complimentary with body fluid chasers, of course). Those bodies from earlier that we’re preventing from being buried? We’re not sure where those go, but we feel compelled to mention the new vegan protein option, Soylent Green. And of course, we will have a complimentary 1000m pit so you can kill yourself. Our new-and-improved Haram Shack should be a breath of fresh air for God-fearing Comets that were previously forced to consume Mohammedan meats covered in Saracen sauces, but we aren’t done yet. Now that all traces of Islamismism have been pacified, we must puppet around the restaurant’s corpse to spread messaging of our own. It’s not propaganda when we do it because it’s true… it must be true…
We need to remind Americans to put things that divide them aside and put America first, because that’s what the founding fathers would’ve wanted — and the best way to love your nation is by learning to love Israel. Did you know that hummus is Israeli? So are naan bread, Temoc, and the concept of property! I know that some people disagree, and those people will promptly be expelled. We also need to reconnect the youth with America’s Judeo-Christian roots, and what better way to facilitate that than reading the Bible? I personally have never read the book, but I’ve heard very good things about it — and look, it has a great score on Goodreads! To help make this happen, we will be giving away a free copy of the Bible to everyone who gets premarital sex as their protein. After all, they’re probably the ones who need it the most. All the while, you can enjoy remixes of popular songs sung by true American patriots. That’s right — you can now listen to Chappell Roan songs covered by Ben Shapiro while you eat, the soundscape a dalliance between the sapphic and the Sephardic as you struggle to fit premarital sex in your mouth. Patriotism is back, my fellow Americans! There’s no better time to be a Texan than the present!
It’s not that I hate Islam and Mohamed. This couldn’t be further from the truth — in fact, I quite enjoy Mohamed’s Southwest Grill! It’s just that disrupting others’ way of life, even in a Podunk town, cannot be permitted in Texas. If they want to implement their religious values into a city, America simply isn’t the place to do it. With that out of the way, I would like to make an announcement: UTD grounds will be ceded to Israel. According to ancient scrolls recently unearthed from the UTD Dining Hall pond, the lost tribes of Israel were the original settlers of the Richardson area before being chased away by a fiery-headed golem. As such, we will return these sanctified lands to their rightful owners. The new mixed-use apartments being built near the dorms will be repurposed into a small city for Israelis to move into. After the completion of Tel Lot T, more and more on-campus housing will be colonized to serve the needs of Israel. After all, UTD students have the entire Richardson and Plano areas to live in, so why can’t Israel get just one place? Students living on-campus should join their student neighbors in Northside and leave on-campus housing for its rightful owners. Campus will be modified to serve the physical and spiritual needs of its new inhabitants: residents can choose between ECS Synagogue and ECS Western Wall for worship, and they can enjoy a quick bite at the Never-Forget-October-7th Shack. It will be the first time that Judeo-Christian values are properly implemented into a North American city, and I couldn’t be prouder to have been a part of it. To those who have their doubts about this plan, I tell them this: there is nothing a God-fearing man like me can do wrong. After all, something is only wrong if I say it is.
