Aries:
You have more power than you think. Embezzlement is only a crime if you get caught.
Taurus:
Trust your intuition. In fact, blindfold yourself all month. Your other senses will guide you, like Master of the Splits Jean-Claude Van Damme in his hit 1988 film “Bloodsport.”
Gemini:
The stars are taking bets on how many miscarriages you can have in a month. Gemini will put you in a raffle for a copy of Mario Kart World (Nintendo Switch 2 not included) if you can manage at least four.
Cancer:
Now’s the time to act on your secret long-standing vendettas to get what you want. Remember: if they cry during the argument, they’re manipulating you.
Leo:
The stars have decreed, in all the infinite wisdom of the cosmos, that you’re especially breedable right now. Go see what your Gemini friends are up to this month.
Virgo:
This month you are fated to fix your relationship and career issues by going to a furry convention. That’s all the stars care to say.
Libra:
Bitches love your swag. But that’s not the only thing important in life. Have you cleaned your room this… year?
Scorpio:
Have you perhaps tried learning from your past instead of endlessly dooming yourself to repeat it?
Sagittarius:
You’re a natural leader, so say the ethereal whispers. Try leading some bitches to your goddamn bedroom.
Capricorn:
Keep doing what you’re doing. 99% of people stop running from their problems right before they miraculously go away with no consequences.
Aquarius:
Bitches HATE your swag. You bring dishonor to your ancestors and exist so others can feel better about themselves. Er, so say the fates. I’m just the messenger.
Pisces:
Your love life may be failing in every possible way, but don’t fret — the Trump administration is sure to roll out state-issued girlfriends any day now, meaning you can neglect your beloved with up to 33% more apathy!
