Everyone knows that I like to party with the rest of the wildlife on campus, so let’s take a look at some of my feathered friends (and foes) that hang around our wonderful school.
Great Blue Herons: 5/5
Everyone knows how much of a heron junkie I am. They’re just so damn majestic, always near the water stepping around and looking for food. Of all the birds on campus, they’ve got to be the greatest and bluest.
Red-Tailed Hawks: 1/5
I hate them. One time I went on a date with someone I met online, and the girl turned out to be a hawk trying to ratfish me — she wasn’t even a sexy hawk! She promised to pay and then said she forgot her wallet. Then she had the audacity to try and fucking eat me, and not in the way she promised in my DMs!
Barn Swallows: 4/5
These guys are cool, and they’re always flying all over the parking lots and drainage ditches. They have those sick split tails too. They’re way too energetic though, and hard to just chill with.
Northern Mockingbirds: 3/5
They’re fine, and them being our state bird definitely gives them an extra point. However, they’re super loud when they’re singing songs that they didn’t even write. You guys know I don’t support plagiarism, so they get points docked.
Pigeons: 4/5
Pigeons and I are simpatico; there’s definitely a reason why many people call them rats with wings. They’re pretty chill and cool to party with, but some of them have this habit of having rooftop parties and inviting some friends, and their friends invite some friends, and those friends invite more friends, and suddenly you’re in a sea of feathers.
Canada Geese: 2/5
I’ll admit that the babies they’ve been having for the last few weeks are cute as hell, but overall? They’re dicks. They gentrify the housing market here, coming down in late fall and staying until spring, just to leave when it gets hot. Spineless cowards.
Blue Jays: 3/5
So I know I said that herons were the bluest, but jays are like the bird equivalent of Gorgonzola. They’re kinda pretentious though, just because everyone else isn’t as smart as they are.
Red-bellied Woodpeckers: 4/5
Woodpecker? I hardly know her! You always hear these guys before you see them, but they’re surprisingly antisocial considering how loud they are. With those tongues though, it’s no wonder why one of my ex wives was a woodpecker.
