My fellow patriots,
We’re truly living in unprecedented times. Now more than ever, we the silent majority — never mind that most of us are on X with usernames such as @amerika4everbeerandgun — are under attack from the Woke Left. The same Woke Left that wants to do gender reassignment surgery on bald eagles before gifting them to immigrants. The vile, putrid Woke Left that all have blue hair and worse, pronouns. I personally have never used a pronoun a day in my life! Everyone on the Woke Left is antithetical to what is truly American, and ironically when I said this to the goth baddie I met on Hinge, she blocked me. So much for tolerance! So much for peace and love and unity! What did I, Marlie Mirk, proud supporter of the UTD chapter of Turning Point USA, ever do to you guys? I’m such a nice guy! I just think that you all should suppress who you are as people until the sheer concept of living becomes absolutely unbearable so that I can be comfortable living in WASPy, tax-free bliss.
Why aren’t you okay with this? How dare you fight back after I harassed you constantly? Haven’t you ever heard of the First Amendment? I have. And it says right here that I can do whatever I want and suffer absolutely no consequences. Sure, Alex Stein called the vice president of UTD an illegal immigrant, but he should be able to. Alex Stein should be able to do whatever he wants. It’s the white — I mean, right way of going about things.
Really, all this is so we can get back to the truest iteration of Americana: the 1950s. And for the TRIGGERED LIB that’s reading this right now… trust me, you’re absolutely gonna want to go back.
As a Tried and True Real American Historian — and by that I mean I asked Grok to give me a summary of the last 250 odd years— I know everything there is to know about the 1950s. I even went above and beyond and watched one (1) whole episode of “I Love Lucy.” I didn’t love the forced diversity of the woman protagonist and non-white love interest, but I digress. It was so beautiful and serene, people walking in crisp suits and pin-curl hairs, waving to everyone; a perfect cornerstone of community. That’s what I gathered from the AI image I generated, anyway. Everybody looked the same and everyone ate everything out of jello molds. All the guys looked like Marlon Brando and it was totally awesome. And to really put you WOKE LOSERS in a tizzy, gay people didn’t exist back then. That’s right: gay people were totally not a thing until like 40 years ago. The Heterosexuals of America forum says I am certified on this and you definitely couldn’t do one Google search that disproves that statement. Anyway, no one was gay, especially not Marlon Brando. Which again, Google-search proof.
Since gay people didn’t exist then, why should I respect them as people? They don’t respect us. Our beloved, pure, immaculate TPUSA chapter totally did break 11 of the student organization bylaws but we were totally justified in doing so! As I said before — and what I say matters because this is totally what I believe in and not a get-rich-quick scheme to dull the disappointment that I’ll never be a successful scriptwriter — we’re doing the right thing by speaking out, and the only way to speak out about anything is by being a Total and Complete Nuisance. People care most about what you have to say when you’re barking at them as they walk to the library. People especially love it when you hoot and holler over some insanely niche topic that literally no one who has a screen time below 9 hours daily knows about.
That’s what true activism is all about. Is the economy in shambles? YES. Is it an incredibly haunting time to be a non-citizen and also politically outspoken? ALSO YES. But that’s only my problem when the guy I don’t want to be president is president. Why should I concern myself with issues that are real and prevalent and need my attention when I can talk about how trans women are trying to get into women’s slacklining, a sport that I care deeply about and wasn’t informed about fifteen minutes ago when my coworker Natt Nalsh texted me a fifty page rant in the midst of an argument over the age of consent in Ethiopia. We do real and honest work here at Turning Point USA, and the same extends to our UTD chapter.
So, fellow red-white-and-blue bleeding patriots, I urge you to rise against woke oppression! If you care about the SANCTITY of free speech and expression (except for minorities), then it should be your greatest imperative to speak out in favor of UTD’s chapter of TPUSA! Together, we can DESTROY the WOKE MIND VIRUS that plagues this campus, but at the same time beg those on the WOKE LEFT to BE MY FRIEND because all the girls I think are hot are leftists, for whatever reason. And also because I, Marlie Mirk, care so much about you and definitely DON’T THINK YOU’RE AN IDIOT I can make money off of. All republican activists care about you! My VERY CLOSE FRIENDS Hen Hapiro, Yelon Yusk, and especially the greatest and most 47th president of all time, Donald J. Trump, certainly do. Together, we can HARASS NERDS who just want to do well in class and also be GAY at the same time with our ugly blue tent and stupid whiteboard asking stupid questions, such as if FETUSES should be ELIGIBLE for the NBA draft. First the Plinth at UTD, then the nation! Once we make this nation a far-right, authoritarian country complete with the beautiful Trump family who will absolve us all from our woke sins reigning over, then everyone (except for minorities) will be happy and peace will for sure be restored to the United States! Make America Great Again!
