illustration credits: Cecilia Romero

Since I’ve been locked away from society in my home, I’ve been trying to experiment with new dishes. However, as someone whose best dish is toasted bread, I’ve been woefully lost in the kitchen. As luck would have it, I just recently perfected two recipes that I would love to share with you all today. They really remind me of a good home-cooked meal made by my mom in that I got food poisoning after making it. Alright, let’s get started!

Pumpkin Butter Toast You Made on That Family Trip When You Cried Yourself to Sleep That One Night

  • Find some bread, preferably store bought, heavily processed
    • Sara Lee is a good go to
  • Get the pumpkin spread that you bought while at a fancy rest stop during the road trip to said destination
    • Really any kind of spread/jelly/jam/butter is fine for this late-night snack, just as long as it has a powerful nostalgic hold on you. 
  • Put the bread in the toaster to really bring out the crunch that comes from the lack of nutrients
  • Spread the pumpkin butter over the toast and flash back to simpler times of making PB&J sandwiches with your family.
  • I personally like to squeeze out a couple tears out onto the toast because the salt from the tears really brings out the sweetness of the pumpkin butter.
    • If you can’t produce the tears yourself, then store-bought is fine.
  • A warm glass of milk pairs nicely with this treat. Any kind of milk works, but in my humble opinion, nothing is better than a warm glass of ethically gray cow’s milk (really reminds you of simpler times when that wasn’t a concern for you)

This dish is best served on the kitchen floor on a flimsy paper towel whilst crying and listening to Pure Heroine by Lorde, wishing for a time when things weren’t so complicated and scary. Enjoy!

Chicken Water Udon Noodles

  • Grab some frozen udon noodles and start boiling them because what else are you going to do with all the time you have now?
  • Realize that — oh no…oh god — you don’t have any broth and you’re about to eat flavorless udon noodles
  • Open all the cabinets looking for anything even closely resembling broth.
  • Find some bouillon and put it in.
    • DO NOT put enough to give it any real flavor. It is critical to put just under enough flavor into this dish.
  • (Optional) Add some chicken that has been in the fridge for an ambiguous amount of time into your boiling ‘broth.’
  • Just kinda guess at how long you should be boiling the noodles for in your makeshift broth
  • Pour into a bowl, making sure there is plenty of splash so that the broth barely makes it into the dish. 
    • I personally prefer to let the boiling chicken water splash on to me so that I burn myself and scream out expletives just to feel something, but again, this is entirely optional.
  • Now, it is essential that you keep the chicken water for the dish. Yes, I know what you’re probably thinking: “That’s gonna taste gross! I just put like a tiny amount of bouillon in a large pot of water, it’s gonna be all grainy.”  You would be absolutely right, but I’m not the damn Barefoot Contessa, I’m just acting like her, ok?!?
  • Now that we have that sorted, let this dish cool for not nearly long enough, burn your tongue, and…Enjoy?

I know things have been pretty crazy recently. Those of us who are used to going out all the time may find ourselves stuck trying to scrounge up whatever we can to make a half-way decent meal. Hopefully my Michelin-star denied meals spark creativity in your taste buds. I can’t wait to see what y’all cook up. Bon Appetit!

Tanner Lewis (junior | criminology)

Just a collection of rats that developed a hive mind.