Greg Abbott released executive order GA-34, lifting the mask mandate and letting businesses open up 100%. Now, the order is written in classic legalese, which may be hard to understand for some of our less legally-inclined readers. As such, I’ve created this handy-dandy summation to help Texans understand the decision making that goes on within our government.

Executive Order GA-34

Relating to opening up Texas, because Me and My Base are impatient and hate masks

WHEREAS the pandemic is ongoing and most Texans have not been vaccinated

WHEREAS only 9% of Texans are fully vaccinated against COVID-19

WHEREAS there continue to be thousands of new infections and hundreds of deaths every day

WHEREAS wearing masks and limiting the amount of people in a space is a proven method of reducing infection rate

WHEREAS I previously made executive orders that reduced business occupancy and mandated mask usage

WHEREAS apparently we’ll have enough vaccinations to fully vaccinate everyone by the end of May

WHEREAS I and the rest of my friends and supporters are impatient and want to throw beer parties now instead of in 3 months

Now, I, Greg Abbott, Governor of Freedom-to-do-what-you-want-land, ignoring the advice of medical experts by filtering it through one ear and letting it go out the next, order the following:

  1. In all counties that don’t have high hospitalizations (as described below) :
  1. There can be no restrictions made on business occupancy, and
  2. People can wear masks if they want to, but the great free state of Texas will not require anyone to wear a stinkin’ piece of fabric that’ll suffocate them and their children. This also means that counties cannot require you to wear a mask and restrict your God-given right to liberty from fabric oppression.

High hospitalizations means that nearly every barista, line chef, and cash register has an elderly relative in the hospital in a county. The hospitals should see at least 5 deaths a day from COVID-19, and mounting stress from the ongoing pandemic should send at least 1 doctor home a week, rotating out fully stressed out doctors to deal with the ongoing crisis.

  1. In any county that does have high hospitalizations as explained above:
    1. Sike! There still aren’t any state imposed business occupancy limits!
    2. Sike again! Everyone is free from the cloth suppression machine, as propagated by Democratic and CDC propaganda!
    3. County judges may try and use these kinds of COVID-19 mitigation strategies, but:
      • Businesses can’t go lower than 50% occupancy capacity, whereas schools and any House of The Lord may not have their occupancy limited at all.
      • Jail will not be a penalty for violating any COVID-19 order.
      • No penalty can be required for not wearing a mask.
      • Basically, there cannot be legal consequences for defying a COVID-19 order.
  2. People should still wear masks (but we’ll just keep that between us and God).
  3. Businesses can still require masks and other distancing protocols. There are no legal consequences that can be imposed besides trespassing, so people don’t actually have to care.
  4. Every previous order that had any semblance of a good COVID-19 mitigation strategy is now gone, reduced to ashes. You’re welcome.

Screw you guys, I’m throwing a kegger,
Governor Greg Abbott

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