AMP
The Official Student Opinion and Satire Magazine of UTD
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September 2024 Horoscopes
Aries: School’s back! I give it a week before you start skipping classes again. Taurus: The stars say you’re not being honest with yourself. But, like, in a cool way that makes you mysterious and sexy. Gemini: Spiritually, what you need is to go to Panera Bread. Y’know, to remember why you don’t go to […]
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May 2024 Horoscopes
Aries: You win!!!1!1! Taurus: The stars don’t think you deserve anything good this month, but they’re down for a deal. Make them an offer they can’t resist. Gemini: You will be cast into endless sleep. I hate you, because I want to be you. Cancer: You’re going to be overwhelmed this month. Now, I told […]
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April 2024 Horoscope
Aries: You’re going to kill or be killed this month. It will be bloody and gruesome, and will likely change the trajectory of your life completely. Then you’re going to finish your taxes, if you haven’t already. Taurus: Aries might mistake you for their fated rival this month. Cowardice is your best trait, I think. […]