As both a wife and a woman, I have considerable insight to offer on any given topic. My areas of expertise include feminism, politics, the environment, a comprehensive history of the American industrial rock band known as Nine Inch Nails, and so forth. A particularly important subject has been brought to my attention as of late, and I’ve found that I can remain silent no longer. We as uterus owners need to start addressing the painkiller epidemic.

Now, you may think I’m referring to instances of fentanyl abuse that are often covered in the news, but we’re ignoring a far more insidious killer on our streets… and that killer is Advil. That’s correct. Those inconspicuous little tablets add up after a while, and where exactly do they add up? Eating away at your stomach lining, clogging your liver, exploding your kidneys and many scenarios even more horrifying than that. It’s the truth! See, your stomach, liver, and kidneys don’t actually process anything if you’re born a woman — nothing inside of a capsule anyway. Every little pill you take courts death and invites doom upon your doorstep. After all, your reproductive system affects your body to a degree that no other set of organs could. You are Built Different, and thus your ability to make babies should dictate the entire trajectory of your health and wellness. Take it from me, a person who hasn’t chosen to have any babies yet but could at any moment. It’ll happen. Probably. Maybe.

You may have heard the warning “Do not take while pregnant” which is commonly associated with several classes of medications, some of which happen to be painkillers. Through our research here at Concerned Women Against Ibuprofen, we’ve discovered that this warning is quite misleading. A more accurate warning would read: “Do not touch, breathe near, or think about if in possession of a uterus.” Women were designed to feel pain! Feeling pain is practically our job! To deprive ourselves of that is an insult to the natural world itself. Consider for a moment why childbirth is so painful: the leading theory is that the human body is inefficiently designed to give birth and that we suffer complications seldom shared by other mammals as a result. We here at Concerned Women Against Ibuprofen refute that theory and offer our own. Childbirth is a trial, a test if you will. Like tasks presented to Hercules, childbirth feels like literal hell on earth because we’re being tested! That pain is a signifier of how much you love your child. If you consider asking for an epidural for even a single moment it means that you’ve failed the test, and one day your child will find out that your love wasn’t as strong as they once thought. Excruciating, mind-numbing pain during labor is a privilege, and it’s one that I and all other people in possession of uteruses should accept with open arms.

Other than a fear of insulting nature’s plan for our bodies, why else should we avoid painkillers? Are these drugs not tested and vetted extensively for the public to use safely? The answer is yes, but they haven’t been tested with our organization specifically so none of that data matters. What matters is that we are afraid of it. It is for this reason that I exclusively take my health advice from middle-class white influencers on TikTok spreading the good word about how Tylenol will give you 50 stomach ulcers and cause your kidneys to crumble into dust and float away on the wind. Instead, you should consider ingesting sizable amounts of turmeric, raspberry leaves, ginger, and magnesium, which are natural remedies that work far better than a substance specifically designed to interact with your nervous system to eliminate pain and inflammation. If you’re lucky, these may simply take the edge off — which is all that you need! A nice, constant undertone of aches and pains keeps both the mind and body sharp. There’s also no need to contemplate using both methods simultaneously and/or alternating between the two. Our trusted allies over at Concerned Researchers Against Painkillers (CRAP) condone two methods of pain relief only: natural or bust. Preferably our members and followers would have the good sense to know that seeking relief for pain is unnecessary and insulting to our physiology, but if they choose to do so it should only come in the form of a root or a leaf. No exceptions.

If you require an eyewitness account to believe the claims listed above, then so be it. I wasn’t there to witness this myself, but someone else probably was: one day, the sister of a good friend of mine took two Advil on an empty stomach and met a fate worse than death… the fate of a mildly inconvenient stomachache. This pain was likely from her stomach acids melting through her abdominopelvic cavity and scarring her horribly forevermore. One might suggest taking the tablets with food next time, but you don’t understand! There is no next time! If she risks taking another Advil, she could lose her entire lower intestine. We cannot allow that to happen. Because of this, I’m proposing a call to action on behalf of uterus owners everywhere: the medical community cannot be trusted! These products are not safe for us in any amount. You may have heard that most adverse side effects only happen with frequent use of these drugs over lengthy periods of time, but this is untrue! Painkiller dependence is a slippery slope. It only takes one time for you to think you’re safe, and before you know it, you’re an example. But worry not, because we care about you. We’re here for you. And for only a small monthly fee of $29.99, you can join our ranks and achieve the enlightened state of a concerned woman.Please consider what you’ve heard here today and spread the word. I will not have our women and girls believe that pain relief is a realistic expectation for them and that they won’t have to silently put up with more pain than the average person. Being a woman is pain! It’s how we should define our existence, and Concerned Women Against Ibuprofen will fight tooth and nail to make that a reality. The truth hurts, and it’s our job to make sure that it hurts women more disproportionally than any other group.