AMP
The Official Student Opinion and Satire Magazine of UTD
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Ratford
Satire
Ratford Reviles
This month, we asked Comets to tell us their favorite parts of the UTD experience, so that Ratford could demean and insult the things they hold dear. Unfortunately, you assholes are so goddamn jaded and this university sucks so much shit that almost none of you actually responded with things you like. What the fuck, […]
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Satire
The Parking Conspiracy
WHAT UTD WON’T TELL YOU ABOUT PARKING… So you think you know what this school is about, huh? You’ve probably heard all about the tunnels underneath campus, the malodorous dangers of the ECS buildings, and, of course, the parking police: the bastions of traffic safety protecting our school from the dangers of illegal parking and […]
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Satire
Rules For Me, But Not For Thee
Enjoy the freedom of the press, bitches.
culture
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Satire
Diary of a Wimpy Cop
Tuesday, April 30th Dear Diary, My cousin living down in Austin called me earlier. He got to do something really fun yesterday. He was called up to UT Austin to help with a protest encampment. I’m really proud of how well he did; he’s come a long way since he voluntarily left the Dallas force […]
Cover Stories
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Satire
Portrait of a Lady, Fired
This email was submitted to the Court of Modest Proposals as part of the prosecution’s evidence that UTD’s administration has been acting maliciously towards its student journalists. When asked whether he believed the defense had ill intent, UTD President Bichard Renson took a drag of his cotton-candy-flavored jumbo Cuban cigar and said, “I didn’t know […]
culture
Print
Satire
A .JPEG of Dorian Ape
This is the tale of Gartner Siekel, a man damned to the cycle of tech hype samsara, all because of a single JPEG...
culture
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Satire
Top Ten Wacky Residence Hall Incidents
College life is full of absurd, inane incidents that perplex the student body for years to come.
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Ratford
Ratford Rejoices!
Apparently the youths of today need a rundown on how and when to get celebratory, so they decided to ask a middle-aged, divorced rat.
culture
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Satire
AMP’s Declassified School Survival Guide
Alright, alright. Welcome to UTD, or whatever. You sure picked a winner. If you aren’t on a scholarship or don’t live 5 minutes away, I don’t know why you’re here, but I’m not your advisor.
culture
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Satire
Erecting UTD’s Athletic Legacy
All the most treasured aspects of UTD's culture can be traced back to our athletics program.
Politics
Satire
How to Forge an Iron Fist
How do I rule with an iron fist? This has been the question on every political leader’s mind since humans first took up the practice of agriculture and immediately began schemes to control others. You might think that emulating the decrees of past sovereigns would guarantee you permanent power, but the crucial commonality that unites […]
Satire
Navigating a Situationship
SITUATIONSHIPS: all the cool kids are doing it