Aries: A meek little peasant boy will fall into your care this month. While his lute skills may be subpar and he’s unsure which end of a broom is which, he’ll find other ways to earn his keep.

Taurus: If you don’t do anything, nothing will ever happen to you. Which, like, sounds like a pretty good gig.

Gemini: You can afford to do something bold this month. Just a little wild and crazy. Zany, even.

Cancer: You may or may not completely lose your marbles. #girlboss #slay

Leo: Forgiving others is hard, but forgiving yourself is harder. Now, seething with perpetual rage? Super easy.

Virgo: The stars say you’re supposed to be in New Zealand right now. What the hell are you doing here? Get your ass over there, now!

Libra: Happy birthday! You’re absolutely glowing today. Positively radiant. That’s all, nothing else to see here, you sexy scamp. (If you’re a friend of a Libra, buy them copious amounts of cheese, no matter what they say.)

Scorpio: Things may seem down, but look on the bright side! At least you’re not a Sagittarius this month.

Sagittarius: Yeah, things really are down for you. 🙁

Capricorn: The stars say you should watch your step, but that’s just kinda good practice. So this month, watch someone else’s step.

Aquarius: You can be a pushover this month. If you want to.

Pisces: You can do anything you set your mind to! But not those other Pisces. They’re all bums.