AMP
The Official Student Opinion and Satire Magazine of UTD
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December 2024 Horoscopes
Aries: Workplace safety violations may give you an opportunity for a lawsuit! But do you have it in your heart to sue…Santa Claus??? Taurus: Don’t be afraid to rely on your friends for support in the coming month. It’s not like any of them will betray you or anything. Definitely not in a way involving […]
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October 2024 Horoscopes
Libra: Big changes in your professional life! Who knows if they’re good!
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September 2024 Horoscopes
Aries: School’s back! I give it a week before you start skipping classes again. Taurus: The stars say you’re not being honest with yourself. But, like, in a cool way that makes you mysterious and sexy. Gemini: Spiritually, what you need is to go to Panera Bread. Y’know, to remember why you don’t go to […]
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May 2024 Horoscopes
Aries: You win!!!1!1! Taurus: The stars don’t think you deserve anything good this month, but they’re down for a deal. Make them an offer they can’t resist. Gemini: You will be cast into endless sleep. I hate you, because I want to be you. Cancer: You’re going to be overwhelmed this month. Now, I told […]
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April 2024 Horoscope
Aries: You’re going to kill or be killed this month. It will be bloody and gruesome, and will likely change the trajectory of your life completely. Then you’re going to finish your taxes, if you haven’t already. Taurus: Aries might mistake you for their fated rival this month. Cowardice is your best trait, I think. […]
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March 2024: Horoscopes
Aries: Icarus was a loser. Fly closer to the sun. Taurus: You’re your own person, as long as you ignore the oppressive, inescapable yoke of late-stage capitalism. Gemini: Your dealer will come in surprisingly handy this month. (AMP does not encourage the use of controlled substances.) Cancer: The stars think you should reinvent yourself. Try […]
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AMP Horoscope
Aries: You are going to do something that will make you feel so guilty after this month. Double down. Own it. Revel in it. Taurus: Don’t cry over spilled milk. Unless you’re thinking about how it’s always shifting. Always on an unavoidable path of curdling sourness. Destined to be thrown away. Rejected. Gemini: The stars […]
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December Horoscopes
Aries: Give in to the voices. Taurus: You’ve got it figured out this month. You don’t need anyone else’s opinion. In fact, what are you even here for? Bask in your infinite wisdom, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Gemini: If you find yourself in need of a spare towel in a foreign place, […]
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October 2023 Horoscopes
Find out what's in store for you this month!
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September 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Just try really hard not to fall down the stairs this month. Taurus: Go ahead. Eat that sandwich off the ground. Your immune system can handle it. Gemini: Your vibes are off. If you don’t get this fixed, you will always mildly unsettle the fifth nearest person to your left. Seek out a vibe-ologist. […]
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May 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Exact cold, brutal revenge on your worst enemies this month. As a treat! Taurus: Sometimes it’s okay to ritualistically sacrifice a Virgo. Gemini: You’re going to spend too much time thinking about the many instances in which Bugs Bunny wears drag. Cancer: Stop waiting around for life to send something your way! I mean, […]
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April 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: The stars have gifted you with newfound financial expertise! Invest everything in crypto. Taurus: Someone you now’s got it out for you, which is why your stint with the local mob boss is finally going to pay off. Gemini: Yuo’re gniog too fsat. I’m miakng you solw down. Tkae a deep baerth…There. Isn’t that […]