Aries: Give in to the voices. 

Taurus: You’ve got it figured out this month. You don’t need anyone else’s opinion. In fact, what are you even here for? Bask in your infinite wisdom, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Gemini: If you find yourself in need of a spare towel in a foreign place, your solution may come from an unexpected direction. It’ll also be, like, super awkward, so maybe just don’t go somewhere you’ll need a towel.

Cancer: Your guardian angel is looking out for you. The stars have taken offense, because you were actually in their territory. Expect a turf war.

Leo: Santa’s elves have been replaced by AI, so they’ve left the Christmas industry and are now Hanukkah elves. Do with this information as you will.

Virgo: The stars have decided. You gotta send in the dodos. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Libra: You’ll accomplish everything you want to. The problem is figuring out what you want. You indecisive little punk.

Scorpio: The hand of fate has chosen you for trial by combat. Er, sorry, wombat. It’s basically a fat rat spat on a big flat mat. And you get a hat.

Sagittarius: Your Taurus friend is gonna be a huge dumbass all month. You’ve gotta get them back on the right track. Let them know exactly how stupid they sound, all the time. And don’t let up.

Capricorn: The stars hope you have fun getting your birthday presents doubled as your Christmas presents, if you’re a December Capricorn. Which was really mean of them, honestly.

Aquarius: Ghosts are real! And they think you’re kinda cringe. Sorry about that.

Pisces: A glimpse into your future: Death itself is at your door! They need a place to crash for the weekend.