Comets shared their New Year’s Resolutions with me, seeking my knowledgeable opinion!

To eat more cheese.

Oh em gee! Wouldn’t you know it, that’s also MY New Year’s Resolution! It was also my resolution from last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and —

To pass all my classes next year? Probably? Help me.

Don’t tell anyone that Ratford is advocating dishonest conduct, but offering some cheddar to your professors couldn’t hurt… and by that I mean literal cheddar cheese.

To be as iconic as you!

Aww, that’s so sweet of you! Unfortunately that’s impossible, but I think you can pull off a very, VERY close second-place!

To not blow my rent money on cheetos… again.

Worry not, I am here for you! Here is a list of amazing non-cheeto alternatives for you to indulge in instead: swiss cheese, cheddar cheese, parmesan, mozzarella, pepper jack, brie, gouda, camembert…

To be less nice.

That was my ex-wife’s old resolution, after we split up. Except it was only towards me. I’m still hiding from her.

To come out by publishing a research paper under my new name.

Ooh, that’s a wonderful resolution! I’ll be rooting for you! By the way, did you know I’m conducting some research of my own? I’d like to learn how many marriages are sunk by an ALLEGEDLY “excessive” amount of spending on cheese.

To learn how to count to 4, then learn what comes after 4.

…What do you mean what comes AFTER four? That’s the end, isn’t it? See, I’ll count it on my fingers right now! One, two, three… four! That’s all of them! I’ve only got four, not a single one more! Haha!

To sponsor the ATEC building so they have to change the name again.

I may or may not be poaching this one. Kidding! I’d never steal someone else’s resolution! Totally unrelated, but how does “The Ratford Building for Arts, Technology, and Exotic Cheeses” sound?

To befriend the campus squirrels and be their dark overlord, training them to be a furry army that will help defeat my greatest enemies.

No, no, no! You got it all wrong! If you want a quality, STRONG furry army, you gotta go with us rats! Or actual furries!

To work up the courage to say hi to Temo- er, my crush…

You got this! I’m sure everything will work out, and soon enough you’ll both be stargazing under the Love Jack… Oh, how romantic that was for us…

…I still miss her sometimes.

To become the new Ratford. H-Huh?