As we all know, AMP is the student organization that makes the monthly magazines you are currently reading. However, what you may have also noticed is a regular pattern of content from these heathens. They constantly include art of our lovely school mascot, Temoc. Art of Temoc isn’t inherently wrong, but AMP isn’t just making art of Temoc, they’re making art of SEXY and HOT Temoc. These depraved animals are objectifying this poor space rock man, and this has continued for years without anyone stopping this behavior. So I, Investigative Journalist Extraordinaire Nico, have decided to infiltrate AMP and expose the executive members who are responsible, to find the truth on if they are spreading an agenda of objectification of our beloved mascot. To address what is obvious: yes, as you can see, all I had to do was ask for “art of sexy Temoc to accompany my article” and they provided it with no issue, supporting my case.

I had to pursue the various executive members of AMP and do surveillance. First, I snuck into their office, where I witnessed Gavin, Sasha, and Mickey all worshiping what seemed to be a body pillow of scantily clad Temoc. A horrible sight, one so terrifying I stared at the art for another 15 minutes, enraptured with the depravity of such an unholy artifact. From what I have learned, it predates all current members of AMP, a manifestation of the mission set forth by early members that came before us all; a mission of sexy Temoc that continues even today. I also witnessed the executive members see a rat and shout “Ratford!” in unison. I do not understand their reasons, and I am too scared to ask, but they seemed to watch him intently. I do not know if this is somehow connected, but it felt worth mentioning because I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. 

Afterwards I followed Gavin, who went into the Student Union and sat in a corner alone eating a chicken sandwich while looking sad. I captured a photo of the display, as journalism is about reporting the truth, and the truth is that such a sad display made me just as sad to witness. At first I couldn’t locate Sasha, and I assumed it was because they were at Hot Topic, the natural habitat of goths such as them. I can’t enter any Hot Topics because I was banned for life after The Incident. But when I exited the Student Union, I saw a dark shape behind a pole that seemed to be watching me. I threw salt over my shoulder and fled for my safety. Mickey was found making “autism fancams of ur faves.” I decided not to bother them further, because autistic game recognizes game. The art directors Victoria and Brianne seemed like important targets, as the art produced in AMP is the main source of this debauchery. However, I could not locate Brianne once, and I am not convinced that she is real. Upon finding Victoria drawing Temoc, I tried to capture a photo, but she just pepper sprayed and kicked me repeatedly. After this incident I decided no further surveillance was necessary. 

Now I began going around directly questioning the executives, asking for answers, asking for the truth. I went to Gavin first, as he was easy to find. When I started questioning him, he would just respond with “no comment” to everything I said. When I showed him the photo I had taken of him, he told me that he wasn’t sad and that’s just how he looks. This was even more sad and bummed me out, so I stopped my questions there. At one point I thought I saw Brianne on a rooftop, but when I looked again she was gone and now I’m scared for my life. However, journalism cannot be deterred, and I had a job to finish. I went to Mickey next, and unlike Gavin, they were very eager to answer my questions. When asked about the objectification of Temoc they said, “I just love objectifying men, it’s my favorite pastime, and Temoc is hot lol.” This was enlightening and showed me a deeper look into the depraved minds of AMP. Sneha, the managing editor, was also questioned, but she just started talking about AMP in general, then somehow moved on to K-pop or something and I spaced out for the next fifteen minutes, after which I fled for my own sanity. Lastly, I followed Victoria around until I figured out her routine, then ambushed her from behind a tree as she walked on campus. She pepper sprayed me again, and at this point I began questioning my life choices. She has been labeled a “no comment.”
I bribed the Copy Editors Agnes and Shreya with a chicken sandwich to include this exposé in AMP itself. My job has been completed, but at what cost? I fear Brianne may find me and silence me for good… my mind has been broken by the horrors I have witnessed. They haunt my nightmares, and I am plagued by constant thoughts of that stupid, sexy Temoc art. I think about sexy Temoc constantly now — because it’s so horrifying, I mean. Definitely not because I have fallen victim to the agenda and enjoy objectifying that stupid, sexy space rock now. I better get a Peabody Award or Pulitzer or something for this very brave, bold, and beautiful journalism, because this disgusting depravity cannot be permitted to go on any longer. I implore the student body and school faculty to put an end to AMP and its objectifying ways, because this beloved rock man may never know peace until these heathens are stopped. Objectifying a rock man is just a gateway into objectifying other things, like a furry man. Do we really want more furries? Do we want to give AMP the power to convert more of our innocent student body into furries? This is how it all begins, and nobody is stopping their evil agenda — except for me, Investigative Journalist Extraordinaire Nico!