Aries: Just try really hard not to fall down the stairs this month.

Taurus: Go ahead. Eat that sandwich off the ground. Your immune system can handle it.

Gemini: Your vibes are off. If you don’t get this fixed, you will always mildly unsettle the fifth nearest person to your left. Seek out a vibe-ologist. Make sure they’re board-certified.

Cancer: The stars are telling me…they’re going to spray you with water guns. I tried to talk them out of it, but they’ve already made up their minds, so wear something waterproof I guess.

Leo: Get some sleep. I’m begging you.

Virgo: It’s your time to shine! Go crazy with it! …But not too crazy.

Libra: Eat an entire 5-layer cake by yourself. In one sitting. The stars triple-dog-dare you.

Scorpio: The hand of fate sees good fortune in your future, so long as you take up pickpocketing.

Sagittarius: Surprisingly ok aura coming from you this month. Like, perfectly average. The most precisely mediocre reading I’ve ever seen. So, like, don’t expect much.

Capricorn: The constellation Orion will actually be looking over you this month, because Capricorn just really isn’t feeling it right now. Orion wants you to go kill some scorpions, but I don’t know if he’s done his reading on how this will affect the local ecosystem.

Aquarius: This is the best time you will ever have in your life to make pasta. No other time will ever be as cosmically blessed as this one. Don’t spend your life wondering what could have been.

Pisces: Love is in the air! But only for everyone else. You can just kinda sit and watch, I guess.