‘Sup fellow Bromets, the name’s Chaz Hollister, president of Delta Sigma Chi-Square Alpha, the raddest party frat on campus. Now, it’s already October, but I’m still hearing freshies at the Plinth complain that UTD’s social life is dead. And this saddens me dudes, my dad didn’t buy three new buildings and get rid of Green parking in the garage just so people can call this place lame! 

See broski, the thing is no one advertises their parties. That’s lame, and UT Dallas is never lame. You’ve gotta have the know-how if you want to get in on the action. With the help of my nine years of undergrad party experience I’ve put together a step-by-step guide to give you the best tips and tricks on finding the hottest underground party on campus this October!

1. Get dressed! Guys, you gotta know this combo: blue button-up shirt (first five buttons unbuttoned of course), pastel shorts, backwards snapback, Wal-Mart aviators, and you’re ready to haul out and ball out. Ladies, get a shirt or dress or shoes or something.

2. Have some food. Parties last a while, so you gotta have something in your stomach to keep the vibes going. Dining Hall pizza or the half-eaten Takis bag under your bed work best.

TEMOC TIP: Say goodbye to your roommates. They’ll join you at the party later.

3. There’ll be a Tobor waiting for you outside. It’s your one-way ticket to Party Town! Start following it.

4. Hear that, my Partido Compadre? That’s right, you don’t hear anything. Everyone is asleep or heading to the party. But you, my friend, you are wide awake. If you meet someone, don’t tell them where you’re going. They must find the party for themselves first.

5. You’ll arrive at that unnamed building you’ve passed a million times but never been in with the too-high windows and too-low doors. There’s a statue outside with a smile too wide with the teeth too long. This is a secret way of saying there is a party inside. 

6. There’s a line. You will not recognize the others in it, join them. Do not speak. Speak, and you ruin the party.

TEMOC TIP: You will select a mask. Choose one that matches your inner self. Place it on your face and adjust to your new breathing pattern.

7. The doors will open and you will enter. Single-file makes the process swift. The groove is bumping, but resist the urge to dance. You will dance at the party soon. The walls may start moving. Do not be alarmed. This is a normal symptom of the groove.

8. This is a very exclusive party. There will be things that want to stop you from attending. You are a party animal. Do not stop running. Do not turn your head. Do not look in the mirrors. Do not speak. These are the ways that you become a buzzkill. Other people in the line will become buzzkills. They were not meant for the party. Ignore them.

9. Something is behind you. Do not look back, it isn’t there. Surrender to the whispers, it knows what you want, what you’ve always craved. Let it guide you to the party.

10. You will reach a door that looks strange. Open it and walk down the hallway. You will reach a door that looks strange. Open it and walk down the hallway. You will reach a door that looks strange. Open it and fall.

11. Down. Down. Down.

12. It’s all around you now. Feel it go into your eyes and fill your lungs. Shiver in time with the music. You’re almost ready to party.

13. Do you remember your sixth birthday? When you blew into the party horn until your mouth ached and wrapping paper shredded up wishes and the wax dripped from the half dozen candles and filled each slice and throat and

14. You remember high school. Blood-red Solo cups pour the stuff into choking stomachs and the shouting over karaoke freestyles and backyard conversations in the twilight summer and the endless daze of ragers, kickbacks, sleepovers, baptisms, confessions and

15. Your burial on a Tuesday afternoon. When the burrowers start to eat through formaldehyde and you are nothing but a carved rock on fresh dirt they will gather in a house draped in black where there will be catered feasts and laughter as you wail and gnash and turn to rot six feet under but for the moment you are gone except for

TEMOC TIP: Party time.

16. Almost there. Feel the crowd push and pull around you. You are a mote of sand in the ocean of vibe. What’s your name/year/major/hometown? Irrelevant. You are only here for one thing. You breathe in neon and exhale strobe. 

17. Tear away the niceties and convention and the four year plan. You are a party animal. Headbang prostrate on an altar of goodie bags and viscera. You are a party animal. Can you feel it? It’s been there since your baby shower, your post-graduation celebration, your dorm ice cream social. You are a party animal. There is a deejay beat under the birthday skin and balloon string veins. You are a party animal. 

18. Peel it back and embrace the party within you.

And just like that, you made it to the function, my hombre! Told ya campus life wasn’t dead. Kick back, relax, and party on til the stars burn out. Catch you on the flip, my guy!

TEMOC TIP: Remember to stay hydrated!