Aries: Report that professor. Through Title IX. For realsies.

Taurus: You should listen to people. That idea everyone says sucks? It sucks.

Gemini: Still haven’t tried antidepressants yet, huh?

Cancer: Cut that person out of your life. Like, seriously all the time. You know who I’m talking about.

Leo: Make money before you spend it. Y’know… basic financial responsibility.

Virgo: Yeah, you can wear five layers when you go out. That’s fine I guess.

Libra: Check your emails. Please… I’m begging you.

Scorpio: See page 8.

Sagittarius: You can ask for help. It’s okay. I promise.

Capricorn: Have you tried, like… making a choice? Do that probably.

Aquarius: We’re entering the age of Aquarius! Change your life or die.

Pisces: You’re the main character now! Yeah! YOU! Don’t get used to it.