Aries: Icarus was a loser. Fly closer to the sun.

Taurus: You’re your own person, as long as you ignore the oppressive, inescapable yoke of late-stage capitalism.

Gemini: Your dealer will come in surprisingly handy this month. (AMP does not encourage the use of controlled substances.)

Cancer: The stars think you should reinvent yourself. Try summoning demons, joining the secret society of mole people that runs the world, or getting into gardening.

Leo: You get plot armor this month. Literally nothing could go wrong.

Virgo: Destiny decrees that one small mistake could ruin the rest of your life. The best way to deal with this is to cry yourself to sleep at night.

Libra: Take out your AirPods and listen to nature’s song. It’ll drown out your sorrows just as well.

Scorpio: Theft from large corporations in the name of class solidarity is still theft, in that it’s rad as hell.

Sagittarius: The hand of fate is telling you to stop lying to yourself. It won’t be just five more minutes, now, will it?

Capricorn: Did you know somewhere around $62 million goes missing in pennies every year? That could all be yours, with a little dedication.

Aquarius: TikTok can’t solve all your problems. Try YouTube instead. 

Pisces: Unclench your jaw. In fact, unhinge it. This will aid you in the trials ahead.