Aries: You’re going to kill or be killed this month. It will be bloody and gruesome, and will likely change the trajectory of your life completely. Then you’re going to finish your taxes, if you haven’t already.

Taurus: Aries might mistake you for their fated rival this month. Cowardice is your best trait, I think.

Gemini: Sometimes the real treasure is the donuts the bakery throws into the dumpster we find along the way.

Cancer: You might wind up stuck somewhere with an old friend, and you won’t be able to get out until you tell them all about that weird guy you’ve been seeing. Include all the juiciest details.

Leo: You’re kind of a loser.

Virgo: The stars have revealed to me that you’re going to go through the entire plot of “Batman Begins” (2005), but like if Batman was broke as shit.

Libra: You might witness your partner/crush brutalize someone in ways you didn’t know were possible. Don’t worry if you find it kind of hot. Do worry if the cops ask about a plastic bag they found in a box floating through the river.

Scorpio: If you find yourself staring up at the ceiling late at night, reliving all of your worst mistakes and missed opportunities, don’t worry! That’s just you! None of the rest of us have to deal with that shit!

Sagittarius: *staring at a crystal ball with my hands tangled in my hair and the heaviest eyebags you’ve ever seen* Jesus Christ.

Capricorn: Fate can tell your life is going to be good. They didn’t use tone indicators though so I can’t tell if that’s /srs or if they want me to grab some popcorn.

Aquarius: If you open any cans of worms this month, whether literal or metaphorical, the stars think you’re gonna have to eat the worms.

Pisces: Your ability to get laid this month entirely hinges on whether or not you can handle The HorrorsTM.