I got a bunch of letters in the mail this month. Like, paper. In an envelope. Who even does that anymore? But boy, I can’t wait to find out what they’re about!

Ratford, this isn’t a question, but I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time now, and I hope you’ll take the time to read through what I have to say. The truth is, you’ve been an important part of my life for years, and the mere thought of you sends my heart leaping out of my chest like that scene in “Alien.” Your laughter, your charm, your kindness in all of the little things you do… you make me feel special in a way no one else has, and there isn’t enough cheese in the world I could give you to show you how I feel. I love you, Ratford, and I hope you feel the same.

Wow, you sure know how to compliment a rat! I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of who sent this one in — love you too, O buddy O pal. I’ll have to let my smoking hot mongoose situationship know about your heartfelt words, I really appreciate it!

Think you’d like to get dinner with me, maybe go bowling? No presh if not.

Bowling killed my grandma. Also, dinner killed my aunt.

Say, perhaps, that someone were to — purely hypothetically — have a teeny, tiny, itty-bitty, absolutely massive crush on you. Hypothetically. What would I — I as a stand-in for the purely theoretical secret admirer, with no relation whatsoever to my persona in reality as the party posing the entirely speculative framework of the question — have to do to get you to love me? Asking for a friend, who is also merely curious and not crushing on you harder than a hydraulic press does a watermelon.

First: what?

Two: copious amounts of cheese. Preferably gouda, although I’ve also been craving havarti.

C: huh??

Your ex-wife asked me to pass along that she wants to get back together. 

Nope. Not falling for that again.

When are you starting an OnlyRats? I’m getting tired of camsquirrels and mouse tr*ps.

That’s… you can’t… say that? Why would you say that?

Ratford. Go out with me. For Valentine’s.

I would, but I’ve got a really good feeling about this mongoose. Sure, he hasn’t responded in a couple days, but I know he’ll come around. For sure.