On a daily basis, we at the UTD Parking Department receive many, many complaints about the parking situation at UTD. And we just don’t get it — parking at UTD is amazing! We’ll be addressing the complaints today in this short memo on the current status of UTD parking.

We understand that parking at UTD can feel limited, but this complaint is usually made by some of our green level permit users. The main complaint is that green parking is A) really far away from everything and B) always full. We feel like these complaints are invalid, because we have already provided an easy solution: Just buy gold or orange parking! Both gold and orange parking provide much closer parking to all important buildings on campus. We’ve never received a single complaint about lack of parking spaces from anyone with an orange permit. It’s almost like nearly nobody buys orange parking permits!

Because there are so many empty spots in higher levels of parking everyday, we’ve made the decision to encourage more people to buy higher level parking passes in various ways. First, we’ve decided to hit two birds with one stone by remodeling Parking Structure 3 into a new computer science building! Some students have been complaining about the wait to leave the garage at peak times, so we’ve decided to remove it to both encourage buying orange parking and get rid of the hassle! Unfortunately, this also has the effect of delaying proper buildings for music majors for likely another decade, but the ten-year-old temporary buildings seem to be working out fine for them anyways.

Honestly, even if you have to park at some of our farther lots like Lot U, we don’t see what the problem is. We specifically designed the lot so that you can get daily exercise by walking at least 10 minutes from the parking lot onto campus, because we know that the nerds that make up our student body aren’t too inclined to work out regularly. Not only does the distance improve students’ physical health, it also encourages the improvement of time management skills so that students can learn to get to classes or exams on time!

Some students have reported being able to “cheat the system” and “park without paying us half of their soul”, so we’re increasing the size of our parking fines team and revamping our entire fine structure. In order to make the price of green parking and orange parking nearly the same (to encourage more direct purchases of orange parking) we’ve hired actuarial science majors to revamp our fine structure so that over time, the amount a student pays in fines park in orange parking occasionally to not miss a test will be the same as paying for orange parking, and possibly more! And with the increase in revenue from both orange parking sales as well as fines, we’ll be able to refine our fining team so that we can constantly remind students that there is a price to pay for easy access to education and send all our unwilling customers a clear message: Just don’t be poor!

Speaking of not being poor, we’re hiring for our fining team! If you are poor, you can join us and make just enough money to afford orange parking, and never have to worry about parking fines literally paywalling education further by putting a hold on registration ever again! Plus, students on the fining team have the added bonus of being able to remind other students to just stop being poor and either manage their time wisely or buy an orange pass.

Finally, some students have complained about the lack of lighting in Lot U and other farther green parking areas. They’ve claimed that the lack of lighting is creepy and can contribute to safety issues. However, we’ve found that most students that make this complaint simply disappear after a while. These students tend to reappear as members of the Elohim Bible Study Club, and on the grainy 3 am Skype call we used to interview them, they assured us they no longer have complaints about UTD parking. The money saved from not having to install light poles will instead go into the new hourly wages of our fining team, and we’re happy that we have saved money taken from your tuition to fund ourselves instead of improving the safety of our parking lots.

While we appreciate all attempts at constructive and unconstructive feedback, we firmly believe that UTD’s parking situation requires no further improvement at this time. We hope that you appreciate all of the things we do for you here, from improving your physical health, to getting you involved with fun new clubs. Parking at UTD is great, and we hope that in time, you will come to appreciate it as much as we appreciate your money. You’re welcome!

Ben Nguyen (freshman | computer science)

Hat-wearer and American Culture Connoisseur. Has .556 in their soul, and .308 gunpowder coursing through their veins.