Aries: You are going to do something that will make you feel so guilty after this month. Double down. Own it. Revel in it.

Taurus: Don’t cry over spilled milk. Unless you’re thinking about how it’s always shifting. Always on an unavoidable path of curdling sourness. Destined to be thrown away. Rejected. 

Gemini: The stars want you to get a donut. Don’t listen to them. Don’t listen to your gut, either, which is presumably also craving a donut. Be above that and get a cake instead.

Cancer: Your bleak, edgy backstory will get you nowhere. It’s in the past. Instead, focus on your future, which the stars say is also bleak and edgy.

Leo: The river does not lie stagnant, waiting for permission to flow. Because then it would be a lake, or perhaps a pond. Which is also cool I guess.

Virgo: Virgo is telling you not to be a sheep — not to listen to others just because they say to. But if you do that, aren’t you being a bit of a sheep anyway?

Libra: Let go of your insecurities. Do a shit ton of drugs.*** (Don’t do that.)

Scorpio: This month, you’re the one in control. You have every right to do absolutely nothing, like always.

Sagittarius: Unlike Scorpio, you are obligated to do nothing. Fate commands it. You can do nothing about it. Except nothing, I suppose.

Capricorn: The world is beautiful, and demands your attention. As you walk beside the street, don’t worry about the cars whizzing past. Or the smokiness of the sky. Or the sirens and shouting and riot gear. The kaiju in the next block over. And so forth.

Aquarius: Think carefully before you abandon that shopping cart. Vengeance will be swift. Cold.
Pisces: The stars say it’s really up to you whether you’re single for Valentine’s or not. Your choice. And it’s all dependent on whether or not you actually do eat that cockroach you found.