Dear Ratford,

I have a roommate, Robbie (fake name), who I have gotten along with this year. He’s generally quiet, never eats my food, keeps the place squeaky clean, and is always down to play some pool if I get stuck on my homework. We have a bad rat problem in my dorm, for some reason, and maintenance has been no help. 

Robbie decided to set up some rat traps to get rid of the rats. I asked him to get some traps that wouldn’t kill the rats because I don’t like dead rats in my room. The first couple of rats he caught he released nearby, but the one he caught most recently he’s really become obsessed with. He claims that the rat has a personality and that he doesn’t want to release it. He has even started calling it “Ratrick Swayze.”

I have many concerns with this (attracting more rats, what to do if our RA finds out) but most of all I just don’t want to live in a room with a rat. I also don’t want to get in trouble when it was not my idea to have a rat in the room in the first place! Robbie has been a good friend and roommate and I don’t want to spoil things with him, but the rat needs to go.

Sincerely,

Should I Rat Him Out?

Dear Should I Rat Him Out?,

I think I know what’s going on here. See, my cousins have been telling me about this swanky little spot they found near campus a few months ago. Always clean, a fridge full of snacks, and humans who don’t want to kill them! They just get set free and come back a few nights later. I’ve got my own hole in the wall already, so I never took them up on the offer to hang out there. But based on your description, it sounds like that must be your dorm they’re partying in.

As for this “Ratrick Swayze” character… this is just a hunch, but he’s probably my cousin Ratchard. He’s definitely a rat with personality, that’s for sure, and he’s the most likely to stick around in places he probably shouldn’t. I would know, he crashed on my couch for a solid eight months while swearing up and down he would be out by next week every time I asked. But honestly, he’s not the worst roommate you could have ended up with! If Robbie’s made friends with him, I say why spoil the fun? All you’ve really got to worry about when it comes to Ratchard is his tendency to stay up late at night squeaking showtunes. (Actually, that’s probably why your roommate named him that.) If any RA’s come around trying to kick him out, just have him put on a performance! They’ll be so impressed that they’ll have to let him stay. So all in all, I don’t see any problem with having Ratchard—

Oh. Wait. What if it’s not Ratchard?

You need to check one eensy, teensy, extremely important, life-threatening thing for me. Does Ratrick Swayze have a white patch of fur on his forehead? If not, then all is well. But if he does… that’s my cousin Ratward, and you need to get him out of that dorm now. And if Robbie is still refusing, at the very least, promise me you’ll never let Ratward out during a full moon. Trust me on this.

Sincerely,

Your Best Pal Ratford Roquefort